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Posts Tagged ‘cat’

Celebrating Our Similarities!

February 27, 2012 1 comment

As a middle-class white male of average height and build aged 21 to 49, I spend a great deal of time appreciating diversity. While I may be a part of the main demographic that advertisers, business owners, car dealerships, WWE, talk radio, apothecaries, and Men’s Warehouse are vying for, I do respect the differences we all share.

For instance, you might be uglier than me, but I celebrate this fact! Or, you may be fatter then me… good for you! You might even have way more back hair than me; I’ll bet you brave the harsh Alaskan winter better than I do! I salute you, different person!

Today, however, I want to celebrate similarities. My wife and I were watching my nephew this evening, and I realized that babies are not so different from cats. In fact, they bear so many resemblances to one another that I dare suppose babies are nothing more than hairless cats who don’t know how to use a litter box (until you teach them)!

I would challenge any one of you to show me how babies are NOT like cats! Let the comparison begin!

WAYS CHILDREN ARE LIKE CATS, VOLUME I

1. Sleeps during waking hours, and bugs you to death while you’re trying to sleep
2. Will eat cat food
3. Instinctually does not like to wear a hat, socks, glasses, or a jockstrap
4. Convinced you are its personal attendant
5. Loves goldfish (a delicious pun!)
6. Climbs trees when chased by a dog
7. Will meow when you put it in a cage
8. Can be left at home alone up to 24 hours with a bowl of food and water
9. When cars drive by, will run into a storm drain
10. When left in a room with a box, will poop in it

I need to take a moment to assure my sister-in-law that I did not attempt all of these on her son. They came back at #7.

My Cat the Teenager

May 10, 2009 1 comment

Rocco is just over a year old.  In people years, that puts him at about 15.  He’s going through his rebellious stage right now.  Today, he woke me up at 6:30 AM with the melodious sound of his voice.  “MEOW!” he would scream, trying to wake the neighbors (probably in hopes they would call the police, because surely policemen would pay attention to him).  I tried ignoring him at first, but he only became louder.

MEOW!

MEOW!

MEEEEEEOOOOWWWW!!!

I calmly walked downstairs, knowing he would follow me.  He’s attention-starved.  Like I said, he’s a teenager.  He wants boundaries and rules, yet he constantly pushes the outer limits of my restrictions for him.  Thus, I was trying to lure him into a false sense of attention, so I could close him up in the downstairs bathroom.  He fell for it.  That’s what he gets for trusting me.  So I went back to bed, soothed to sleep by the barely audible:

. . . meow . . .

. . . meow . . .

. . . meow . . .

Two hours later, I awoke much more refreshed and ready to pay attention to him.  I walked briskly downstairs, and twisted the handle on the bathroom door.  Uh-oh.  The door was locked.  This next statement needs to stand alone:

My cat locked himself in the bathroom because he was mad at me.  My cat is a teenager for sure.

He didn’t get that from my side of the family.  We were much more passive aggressive.  If my cat took after me, he probably would’ve taken the bathroom experience with quiet indifference, then poison my food a month later.

I don’t even want to know what he’s going to be like when he gets his driver’s license.

Losing the Battle of Technology

March 2, 2009 6 comments

The older I get, the more I lose touch with technology.  I used to be good.  I could send an e-mail, which was more than anyone older than my generation could do.  Now children emerge from the womb with an iPhone and a Jonas Brothers t-shirt.  They come standard with babies, I guess.

Not to incessantly complain, but the Nintendo Wii’s sole purpose is to make me understand exactly how out of shape I am.  I played for 20 minutes yesterday, and my left arm is killing me.  It feels like I lifted weights all weekend.  Since when are video games supposed to give you any exercise?  When I was a young boy, they taught us that lethargy and gluteal gigantism go hand in hand with video games.  Leave it to the Japanese to export us a not-so-subtle hint that we are blobs of ever-increasing mass.

If you think about it, the vast majority of technological advances have been for our entertainment, and not for the betterment of mankind.  Think of how many varieties of robotic replacements fingers are on the market (probably like one kind or something; I don’t know, I didn’t do the research) versus the number of volumes of Guitar Hero man has sought to create.  I mean, I know if I was missing a finger, I would want to get a robotic one so I wouldn’t miss out on Guitar Hero for the rest of my life.

I think if I were to accidentally lose a finger in an accident or even on purpose, I think it would be my ring finger.  It’s always getting into things like car doors, can openers, electrical sockets, etc.  It’s only a matter of time before it falls of completely.  Wait, how did I get on to this subject?  No matter.

The only technology that’s still familiar to me is stop-motion.  It was around when I was a kid, and it’s probably the only technical thing I can do better than 10-year-olds.  I know I could still take them in a fight, but what would be the point?  Therefore, I have prepared a little stop-motion ocular extravaganza for your enjoyment.  Actually, you probably saw there was a video and entirely skipped the last 2 paragraphs.  Why am I still typing?  Here goes!

Many thanks to my cat, Rocco.  He did quite well with his dramatic pauses before staring intently into the camera.  I have no idea why I continue to embarrass myself in this way.  It’s probably because I care so much about you, the reader.  I hope you’re happy now.

On a side note, I got word this weekend that the video with me as Pee Wee Herman will be on YouTube sometime this week!  No need to go searching for it.  I will post it here as soon as it becomes available.  Oh, it’s so exciting!

Hurk Goes the Cat

February 18, 2009 10 comments

I slept ever so well last night, with my cats sleeping on my lap.  They slept very soundly, purring from time to time.  How peaceful.

I awoke this morning to the sound of internal fluids swishing around in my cat.  I popped out of bed with all the grace of a drunken gorilla and watched Louie hunched over, heaving with all the force in his body.  He said, and I quote:

“hurk . . . hurk . . . Hurk . . . HURK . . . HURK! . . . HURK! . . . (pause for effect) . . . PLEGH-AKKK-UUKKK”

An unholy concoction of tapeworm and hollandaise sauce erupted from Louie’s throat (take a second and imagine what that would look like; I’m really proud of the mental tapestry I’ve created here).  Claire had fortunately went into action by placing a piece of cardboard under Louie’s face to catch the odious fulmination.  In the process of throwing the vomit into the trash, I accidentally got some of the juice on my finger.  Oh, I almost lost my head.  I washed and scrubbed my hands with soap like I was preparing to perform heart surgery.  Finally, I made sure he was okay, and went back to bed.  It doesn’t matter if it’s 9 AM or 3 AM, when you hear that first “HURK”, there’s no going back to sleep for the rest of the day.  Any swishing of liquid anywhere in the house (a toilet flushing, a shower running, a goldfish leaping out of his bowl and into the sink) causes another panic-induced myocardial infarction, so it’s best just to get up for the rest of the day.

After further investigation of the juicy mess, I noticed it looked like the drawstring from a hooded sweatshirt with cat food mush around it.  I should’ve expected him to do what he did, being that he had not eaten much yesterday.  His stomach spent all day gnawing on that string, and never felt any desire for actual food.

I told you all that to tell you this: I have stumbled upon a new diet plan, guaranteed to help you shed those unwanted pounds without ever feeling hungry!  Just do what Louie does.  In the morning, swallow several feet of string, and you will not experience any cravings for the entire day, because your body won’t be able to digest it.  Then, the following morning, just HURK and PLEGH, and start the process over!  (If you plan on using the same piece of string, I would recommend at least washing it off first.)

I’ll call it “HURK Yourself Healthy”

Did someone say international diet sensation?

Taking care of cats is easy enough.  If they throw up, you just grab the carpet cleaner and (I wish I had thought to do this) gloves, then wipe up the mess.  The cat is usually fine, and you need not worry any longer.  If you have a human child, though, forget about it.  After HURKing on the carpet, a child would want to climb in bed and be comforted (no way do I want someone who already has a penchant for spewing to be IN my bed).

I’ll definitely stick with cats for now, as children not only make me uneasy, they downright scare me.  I know my father-in-law wants a bouncing baby grandchild, so he should be happy he has 5 other kids on which to place this heavy burden called parenting.  I’m good friends with a little something we call Math (if Math were a person, he’d be a wiry Japanese exchange student that wrecks the grading curve in trigonometry).  I crunched the numbers, and after all my research, I conclude that having children is not worth the trouble.

What?  Of course I have the number readily available.  Basically, you take all the pros and cons of having kids, and assign it a numerical value.  There are many ways to derive mathematically sound numerical values for these, but I have chosen the method used in Math every day called “arbitrary numbers”.  You add up the “pros”, subtract the “cons“, and you have a final number.  If that number is positive, it is worth having kids.  If that number is negative, the opposite is true.  Let’s take a look at my figures:

PROS–

Seeing my lineage passed on into future generations–20
Getting a place to stay after I become too feeble to take care of myself in my later years–5
My wife won’t cry herself to sleep every night because we don’t have a baby yet–100,000
Seeing all those “first moments” like first step, first word, etc.–30
Making embarrassing videos of my child–200
Seeing someone I helped create become a productive member of society–50
Tax breaks for having kids–1,800/child
The love of another human being–2

Total: 102,107

CONS–

Changing diapers–20
Dealing with when my child has crashed my car–10
When the child is HURKing–50
Child going through puberty–100
Paying for my child’s college–18,000/yr
When my child starts dating–200
Child’s whining (age 0-30)–1,000,000

Total: 1,072,380

When we subtract “cons” from the “pros”, you can clearly see a final number of -900,000, give or take. I didn’t figure it completely, because once you get beyond -500,000, you don’t really need to be very accurate.

Final analysis: I really shouldn’t be having kids right now, but you probably could have guessed that already.