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Posts Tagged ‘babies’

Celebrating Our Similarities!

February 27, 2012 1 comment

As a middle-class white male of average height and build aged 21 to 49, I spend a great deal of time appreciating diversity. While I may be a part of the main demographic that advertisers, business owners, car dealerships, WWE, talk radio, apothecaries, and Men’s Warehouse are vying for, I do respect the differences we all share.

For instance, you might be uglier than me, but I celebrate this fact! Or, you may be fatter then me… good for you! You might even have way more back hair than me; I’ll bet you brave the harsh Alaskan winter better than I do! I salute you, different person!

Today, however, I want to celebrate similarities. My wife and I were watching my nephew this evening, and I realized that babies are not so different from cats. In fact, they bear so many resemblances to one another that I dare suppose babies are nothing more than hairless cats who don’t know how to use a litter box (until you teach them)!

I would challenge any one of you to show me how babies are NOT like cats! Let the comparison begin!

WAYS CHILDREN ARE LIKE CATS, VOLUME I

1. Sleeps during waking hours, and bugs you to death while you’re trying to sleep
2. Will eat cat food
3. Instinctually does not like to wear a hat, socks, glasses, or a jockstrap
4. Convinced you are its personal attendant
5. Loves goldfish (a delicious pun!)
6. Climbs trees when chased by a dog
7. Will meow when you put it in a cage
8. Can be left at home alone up to 24 hours with a bowl of food and water
9. When cars drive by, will run into a storm drain
10. When left in a room with a box, will poop in it

I need to take a moment to assure my sister-in-law that I did not attempt all of these on her son. They came back at #7.

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Losing the Battle of Technology

March 2, 2009 6 comments

The older I get, the more I lose touch with technology.  I used to be good.  I could send an e-mail, which was more than anyone older than my generation could do.  Now children emerge from the womb with an iPhone and a Jonas Brothers t-shirt.  They come standard with babies, I guess.

Not to incessantly complain, but the Nintendo Wii’s sole purpose is to make me understand exactly how out of shape I am.  I played for 20 minutes yesterday, and my left arm is killing me.  It feels like I lifted weights all weekend.  Since when are video games supposed to give you any exercise?  When I was a young boy, they taught us that lethargy and gluteal gigantism go hand in hand with video games.  Leave it to the Japanese to export us a not-so-subtle hint that we are blobs of ever-increasing mass.

If you think about it, the vast majority of technological advances have been for our entertainment, and not for the betterment of mankind.  Think of how many varieties of robotic replacements fingers are on the market (probably like one kind or something; I don’t know, I didn’t do the research) versus the number of volumes of Guitar Hero man has sought to create.  I mean, I know if I was missing a finger, I would want to get a robotic one so I wouldn’t miss out on Guitar Hero for the rest of my life.

I think if I were to accidentally lose a finger in an accident or even on purpose, I think it would be my ring finger.  It’s always getting into things like car doors, can openers, electrical sockets, etc.  It’s only a matter of time before it falls of completely.  Wait, how did I get on to this subject?  No matter.

The only technology that’s still familiar to me is stop-motion.  It was around when I was a kid, and it’s probably the only technical thing I can do better than 10-year-olds.  I know I could still take them in a fight, but what would be the point?  Therefore, I have prepared a little stop-motion ocular extravaganza for your enjoyment.  Actually, you probably saw there was a video and entirely skipped the last 2 paragraphs.  Why am I still typing?  Here goes!

Many thanks to my cat, Rocco.  He did quite well with his dramatic pauses before staring intently into the camera.  I have no idea why I continue to embarrass myself in this way.  It’s probably because I care so much about you, the reader.  I hope you’re happy now.

On a side note, I got word this weekend that the video with me as Pee Wee Herman will be on YouTube sometime this week!  No need to go searching for it.  I will post it here as soon as it becomes available.  Oh, it’s so exciting!