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The Awkward Moment

My most recent experience with an office restroom today evoked many emotions: joy, fear, pensive delight. . .

The worst part of public restrooms has got to be the mystery flush. So here I am, walking into the bathroom. As I push the hinged door, I hear a toilet flush. I look directly at the back of the head of someone washing his hands. So many thoughts rush through my mind:

“Does he have a hairy back?”

“Is he looking at me in the mirror? Please, God, don’t let him look me in the eye through the mirror. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, Dean.”

“Which toilet did he use? Is he standing tall, as is the stature of a man who had exercised dominance over a urinal? No, that sounds like a stall. Which stall was it? Man, it stinks in here. Did he use the roomier handicap stall, or the cozier able-bodied stall? Let’s see, he’s wearing a suit and tie, so he probably likes the executive feel of the handicap throne. On the other hand, he’s probably a manager, and can appreciate efficiency, leading him to the small one. I should NOT have stopped at McDonald’s last night. Door Number One or Door Number Two? Haha, I just said ‘Number Two’. Gee-whiz, grow up, self. Oh, now I said ‘whiz’. Where was I? Yes, the stalls. Big one, small one? Left hand, right hand, please god don’t let the seat be warm. Oh (King James Capital) LORD, it feels like the Bahamas on my cheeky nethers.”

Has anyone else gone through this?

  1. Phil
    February 6, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    A triumphant return! Welcome back Kyle!

  2. James
    February 17, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    While I haven’t had that experience, I have been there so long I lost track of time (thank you smart phone) and realized it smells bad. Then I saw feet in the stall over which made me start wondering where the smell originated from… Could he smell how bad it was? Do I try to make a break for the door or wait it out… This rabbit hole goes a long way down into a scary place.

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