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All the Things I Wish I Could Say

April 27, 2010 2 comments

Sorry to have so quickly fallen off the blogging wagon after my expressed desire to post at least a little something every day.  I developed an eating disorder on accident after I fell into a bathtub of Slim-Fast.  French Vanilla. I haven’t eaten in a week because I was floating face down in a foot of 50 calories a serving and 26 vitamins and minerals.

Actually, Claire and I have been helping to watch my nephew and 2 nieces while my sister is in the hospital after having her 4th child.  Welcome to the world, baby Brayden!

Now, I’m sure you’re expecting the usual anti-child diatribe associated with the topic.  That will come later.  If I’ve ever said a nice thing on this blog (and I haven’t), it is that, while watching 3 children for a few days has not increased my desire to have children of my own (God forbid), it has greatly increased my desire to spend time with those particular great kids.  There.  Now put your Kleenex away.  I’m not going to say anything else nice, so sit down and shut up.

Now, I bring the reason you all showed up today! . . . I promised free pizza.  Well guess what?  I lied.  While you’re here, though, go ahead and read what’s below.

I said all that to say this: there are lots of things I wish I could say on here, but do not say because they might be a little questionable (and many of them make reference to fecal matter).  Therefore, I will not actually say these things, but I will only go so far as to tell you what I will never say.  That way, we can both have a clean conscience about it.  Begin.

“I can totally respect people who still own and love pit bulls.  You know, more children are taken to the hospital for chihuahua bites than for pit bull bites.  Of course, they still have their faces after a chihuahua bite.”

“Listening to Justin Bieber’s music feels like the devil is clawing his way into my body through my ears, sliding down into my chest, and farting on my soul.”

“I think the reason I like eating veal so much is because I know it grew up in a restrictive cage.  Just like me.”

“I was halfway into a profanity-laced rant when I stopped, looked around, and said to myself, ‘Don’t be so hard on them.  They’re just kindergarteners.'”

“Dave Ramsey must be a very smart guy to be able to help so many millions of people get out of debt!  I only have one question: If you’re so smart, then where’s your hair, Mr. Smart Guy?”

“I think calling the Wii controller attachment a ‘Nunchuk’ is really a misnomer.  It did nothing to protect me from those ninjas.”

“So, if there’s a rabbit that has an unusally high amount of babies, what do other rabbits say it ‘breeds like’?”

Under 500 words. Mission accomplished.

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Hard Drive to Format

April 20, 2010 Leave a comment

I’m really going to do it this time!  It’s my goal to tantalize your senses with shorter posts more often.  What I lack in quality, I will more than make up in quantity!  If it can’t be good, gosh-darn it, I’m going to flood the Interspace with nearly-palatable crap.

This is merely an announcement.  I have no intention of writing 500 words or more, as is my custom.

Oh, and somewhere along the way, this blog passed 20,000 views. So, feel free to pat me on the back or send a few lottery tickets my way.

I’ll leave you with a few thoughts:

I think it’s just a matter of time before we find out Cap’n Crunch was never in the U.S. Navy at all.

It’s high time we do something to enforce the Child Labor Laws in the country.  Let’s put these kids to work!

Sometimes, I get the sneaking suspicion that Lady Gaga is not really human, but is, in fact, an otherworldly visitor from the planet Goofballs.

So wait, let me get this straight: Conan O’Brien left NBC because Jay Leno was going to push his show back a half-hour.  Then, TBS signs Conan and pushes George Lopez back an entire hour.  My point is this . . . TBS still exists?  I haven’t seen it in quite a while, but I assume the programming still consists of Matlock for the first 12 hours of the day, followed by 12 hours of Family Matters.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Farewell.