Archive

Archive for March, 2010

Potpourri

March 14, 2010 2 comments

I know you missed me!  After 3 months (if you can believe it) off, I’m making my glorious return to the Internet.  All World-Wide Web traffic (as my great-grandmother calls it) has come to a screeching halt and been involved in a 25 car pileup in anticipation of this post. How lucky you are to be seeing this with your eyes!  I’m not sure what else you’d be seeing this with, except maybe a bionic eye that can peer through man’s soul, but you’re still lucky.

I decided I should update you so you can be so inspired to go out and do something meaningful with your life, as I am, instead of eating Cheetos on a recliner watching reruns of “Touched By An Angel”, as I am. Darn it.  I just love Della Reese.  She’s so stinking soulful.

In the past 3 months, I have mostly just been working. I’ve put in many hours of overtime, and saved up for my James Bond trunks. Claire and I are going Mexico this summer!  We were able to book our hotel and flights.  The amazing part about the Internet is you are able to put in a request for your particular seat on any given flight.  We specifically asked for the seats behind crying infants and in front of ADD children with sporadic outbursts of violence.  Nothing like a headlock from a 6-year-old with a 30-second attention span.

The James Bond trunks are, in fact, a compromise between Claire and me.  I pushed vehemently for a Speedo®, and she pushed back with similar disdain, and offered a suggestion of board shorts. Though I have knock-knees best reserved for viewing under ankle length board shorts (or in a pinch, a burquini), I came to the realization that I am married.  I don’t have to look good anymore for anyone.  Especially my wife.  She’s supposed to love me, even if I have a belly hanging over my Speedo© that reaches my knee.

That’s the beauty of marriage, friends. I can completely let myself go and have full confidence that my wife will never leave me.  She may opt to sleep in an entirely different room, but we’re still in the same house and, by law, that constitutes a fully operational marriage.  It is my personal recommendation that every person hit the gym, starve yourself thin, and find a reasonably attractive mate that will accept you for who you want them to think you are.  Then, release all bodily responsibility, and give your heart a run for its money with all the bacon grease your can fit into a paper cup.  I’m just kidding!  Of course I don’t expect you to hit the gym. That, however, should not stop you from buying the Speedo™ of your dreams.

If you also would like to drop a cool $138.00 on swim trunks that throw modesty to the wind, please visit *link removed*. On second thought, you probably shouldn’t go looking for them.  They are quite form-fitting and inelegant for those who are not in shape or decidedly French.  I might be just as well-off to purchase a Speedo£.

In the past 3 months, I have also taken to overeating.  This comes as no shock to those of you who have followed this blog for any length of time. Though I bested my personal record with an impressive 19 tacos, I was put to shame by a gentleman who was able to consume 26.  He later died.

This last weekend, I wanted to see if On The Border’s all-you-can-eat enchiladas were really worth the money.  My friends, they were and more.  I recommend you have your stomach pumped, then visit this establishment for the enchilada deal.  Then, promptly have your stomach pumped again.  I’ve heard some hospitals offer a 2-for-1 deal.  I cannot be blamed for any resulting injury or bowel obstruction caused by enchilada overload.

In other news, I still absolutely enjoy my job.  It affords me the personal ego massage that comes with helping people.  I am able to offer more joy than Disneyland, Harry Potter, and Hulu combined.

It comes as a great shock to myself that I can honestly say I have used my experience from my previous employment to better my performance in my current employment.  Bagging groceries is the single greatest job experience one could ask for, apparently.  For instance, when someone has a question I am unable to answer, I simply ask, “Paper or plastic?”  The ensuing confusion gives me enough time to throw my smoke bomb and escape to my Fortress of Solitude.

Finally, my friends, I want to issue an offical apology for being away for so long.  I am so sorry for depriving you of laughter, kindness, and bemoaning Miley Cyrus for 3 long months.  Please know I lived well during my absence and did not forget you.  I just wanted you to miss me.  Is that too much to ask?  (That is a rhetorical question.)  I’m glad that we are together once again.  And don’t forget the most important point of all: there is a sale on Speedo¢∞¼ products at amazon.com.