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I Fought the Flu (And the Flu Won)

January 5, 2010 2 comments

Another of life’s little mysteries is how I can get the flu from being in a particular environment while my wife, who was in the same environment, does not get so much as a wet burp.  I experienced this over the weekend.

On Friday, my family was over at my sister and brother-in-law’s house celebrating a belated Christmas on New Year’s Day.  Not only did I receive several awesome gifts and eat WAY too much great food, but I also got thoroughly trounced by a 7-year-old at Wii Tennis and caught the stomach virus from hell.

I thought myself somewhat of a Wii Tennis savant, but I received a sound thrashing from someone who doesn’t even have his two front teeth.  I’m not speaking here of the penalty killing line for the New York Rangers.  Even trying all of my best maneuvers (quick serve, backhand, yelling in his ear, covering his eyes, and pushing him down), I could not overcome his youthful expertise at video games.  Not to be outdone, I quickly challenged him to a rematch.  At arm-wrestling.

You know, that’s the crazy thing about the stomach flu: you go through life as a top-of-the-world man about town, and it suddenly strikes.  All day Saturday, I felt no ill effects.  As I lay slumbering that night, a devilish beast crouched at my stomach’s door.  That was the Taco Bell I had Saturday about 11 PM.  The devilish beast was forthwith chased away barking by a demon monster even more ghoulish than Liza Manelli: the stomach flu.

I awoke the pains of being stabbed in the gut with a thousand fiery knives.  After I chased the flea circus out of my bed, I thought I would sleep soundly.  That is, until I felt my stomach wrenching into knots with a churning I can only describe as “butter-making”.  The Amish would be proud.  With a leap, a bound, a stumble, a mild swear-substitute, a flick of the light switch, and a hobbling, I stumbled aimlessly to the bathroom to retch.

I will leave out the more disturbing details, and leave you with only the mental picture of me face-first above toilet water, spewing orange grease of food-like substance.  16 times I did this.  Not once did I leave my house all day Sunday and Monday.  Thanks for listening.  We should go get Taco Bell together sometime very soon.

NOW FOR THE VIDEO YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Below, you will find a previously “banned” video.  That is, it was forbidden from my wife for me to show this video for ONE YEAR after the video was taken.  The video you are about to watch was filmed Christmas 2008, and it shows Claire’s impression of our cat, Louie, throwing up.  Now that we are past Christmas 2009, I feel safe showing you this video (though I sleep with one eye open).


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