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This Is What Happens When The Money Runs Out

As we all know, Oprah’s talk show is coming to an end in the near future.  And by “near future”, I mean 2 years.  That gives us plenty of time to change the channel, and I’m pushing for sooner rather than later.  Since announcing her show will end in the year 2391, there have been a few interesting developments.  I’ve scoured the Internet for the Oprah news you won’t find anywhere else.

From an online article dated 11/30/09 – “. . . it appears that negotiations have broken down recently in Oprah’s attempt to buy, for $12.5 Billion, her soul back from the devil.”

From the Guinness Book of World Records comes this new record for Oprah – “Since launching her own magazine in April 2002, Oprah has now dethroned Mickey Mouse as ‘America’s Most Recognizable Religious Figure’.”

As reported by Court TV – “In a landmark ruling, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals has ordered Oprah Winfrey to repay each Oprah viewer fifteen years of wasted time.  This is expected to have far-reaching ramifications than many experts believe will set a historic precedent.  I’m thinking here specifically of those same viewers who watch Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and Grey’s Anatomy.”

The most important question of all remains unanswered, which is: What will stupid people watch now?

Do not fear; Oprah is in the beginning stages of starting the Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN.  As in, “I own you now”.  The 24-hour network will feature lifestyle programs and human-interest pieces that will surely delight and slowly degrade your brain in a cool lump of porridge.

Who could possibly replace the Queen of Daytime Talk?  I submit that no one could possibly fill the meaningful void other than, perhaps, a German Shepherd on roller skates.

If the Oprah Winfrey Network happens to fail miserably, which I believe it will, what would happen to Oprah?  When Oprah is penniless and struggling to pay the mortgage on her mansion, to what lengths will she go to make a fast buck?  Would Stedman, God forbid, finally have to get a job?

Let’s take a look back at what other stars have done to keep their solid-gold bathtubs just one more month.

Most recently, Creed has come out of a much-deserved and way-too-short retirement.  Like any good movie monster that won’t stay dead no matter how much the vast majority of the population wants it to, Creed has released a nary-anticipated sequel of new music.  (I am using the word “music” very loosely here.)

The only difference, of course, is that Creed’s members are not trying to make the payment on their mansions for another month.  No, sir.  Mansions are classy.  It’s my guess that Creed’s individual members are actually trying to pay $40 in back rent so they don’t get kicked their parents’ trailers.  What happened when Creed’s money ran out?  THIS:

I doubt you were able to hold back the bile from backing up into your mouth.  If you made it a minute in (and if so, I applaud you), you would have heard the inherently deep and thought-provoking lyric, “I’m entitled to overcome”.  If it were just a bit more of a piece of utter tripe, it might one day be featured on OWN.

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  1. Phil
    December 16, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Wow, don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel about Creed’s “reunion”.

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