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Good Job!

In my recent musings to myself, I mused intensely about jobs and their relative pay.  “Surely,” I mused, “there must be some empirical indicators of job pay relating to another variable.”  What were these standards, and why were they consuming my every waking moment until my family held an intervention?

My current research (that is to say, that which I am making up off the top of my head) shows an undeniable relation between salary and another factor.  You must, of course, control for lesser variables, such as:

–Religious Background
–Hard Work
–The GDP of Bangladesh
–Miley Cyrus
–The sound of a tree falling in the forest when no one is there to hear it

All those considered, it leaves us with the only indicator that, without fail, holds an inverse relationship with a job’s salary: How tan you will get doing the job.  Think about it.  Let it soak in.  I’ll wait.


For those of you who are mathematically inclined (read: men), we can sum up this relationship using a simple formula:

Σ – π ≠ (√½∞) ≤ Δ ÷ 0

Those of you who caught my little math joke noticed right away I didn’t take into account the coefficient of drag (how efficiently 2 men can wear women’s clothing).  Simplified even further, and a bit dumbed-down if you ask me, the formula means:

The more you get paid to do a job, the less tan you will get doing it.

–Another way of saying that is–

The more tan you get at your job, the less you get paid to do it.

For the simplest evidence, just look at the picture below.

Bill Gates

The opposite rings true for lifeguards, who see plenty of the sun, but not much else in their paychecks.  They use their tan, even-toned bodies to regularly rummage through dumpsters looking for apple cores to suck on for sustenance.

I work in an office-type environment, surrounded by fluorescent lighting.  I can literally see sunlight, but none of the sun’s nourishing rays ever reach my pasty skin.  If I were any more pale, I’d be clear.  God help you if you could see through my skin and view what lurks inside.  I have the hardest-working colon is showbiz, folks.

I think my dream job would be the guy who stands next to the road construction and holds the sign that says, “SLOW”.  Oh, the power you wield doing that job!  People have to do what you say AND you don’t have to work as hard as anyone else.  Win-win, baby!

The only job more enjoyable than that would be the guy who has the two-sided sign that has “SLOW” on one side, and “STOP” on the other.  It’s a matter of national security that I never get to hold that sign.  I would be on the highway turning traffic into my own grown-up game of “Red Light, Green Light”.

Probably the most shining example of being simultaneously sickeningly tan and outlandishly underpaid is the girl behind the counter at the tanning salon.  She only gets paid $3.00 an hour, but she gets to tan as much as she wants.  If a tan could be cashed out, she’d be a gazillionaire.  Instead, she’ll look like a snakeskin suitcase by age 20.

I rest my case.  Either that, or I ran out of things to say.  It doesn’t really matter which.

  1. Phil
    November 3, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Good stuff. I lost it at the “snakeskin suitcase by age 20”.

    • kylebaxter
      November 3, 2009 at 9:48 pm

      Thank you very much. I’m glad I could paint a mental picture.

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