Home > Most Everything > What I Was Missing

What I Was Missing

Friends, I have become increasingly excited over the last 10 weeks, because I finally got something I always wanted.  My life was always a little bit incomplete, and a hole in my heart has now been filled with my greatest desire.  I now have: a butt.

I realize this isn’t the most exciting thing to most people, because many people have too much already, and would be willing to donate to the posteriorally-challenged people such as myself.  Having a rear has changed my life, my attitude, and especially my wardrobe.  I no longer have to wear suspenders under my shirt to keep my underwear from falling down!  I don’t have to buy belts from the children’s section any more to make sure I don’t lose my britches during long periods of walking, running, or riding a tricycle.  No longer will people say as I pass by, “There goes the guy with the Hannah Montana belt!  Let’s all mock him while pointing and throwing rotten fruit!”

Long gone is the day when I can only sit for 30 minutes at a time to keep my bony caboose from wearing through my jeans!  It’s like I’m sitting on a pillow filled with water placed on a 3-inch layer of feathers covered in rabbit pelts underneath a cloud.

Of course, every rose has it’s thorns, as I am increasingly subject to scientific phenomenon knows as “unassisted wedgies”.  This is where your rear reaches out and grabs a hold of your underwear (and God help me, my pants) like a horse eating an apple.  The only plus side is that when someone decides to give me a wedgie on purpose, I now have the protection to cushion the blow, where in the past, my pants would scrape directly against my tailbone.

I also have to be careful when I wear my swimsuit so my new-found booty doesn’t hang out too much.  But I guess that’s the nature of the beast when I wear a thong.  No way around it, that’s for sure.

The best part is, I no longer have to pad my underwear to acheive a “normal” look.  I’ll save a fortune on tissue paper.

SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL FOR THE KYLE BAXTER PROJECT FAITHFUL

I love singing karaoke.  The video quality leaves something to be desired, but listen to that angel’s voice!  Hopefully I will get to post more of my karaoke soon.

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