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Archive for September, 2009

What I Was Missing

September 16, 2009 Leave a comment

Friends, I have become increasingly excited over the last 10 weeks, because I finally got something I always wanted.  My life was always a little bit incomplete, and a hole in my heart has now been filled with my greatest desire.  I now have: a butt.

I realize this isn’t the most exciting thing to most people, because many people have too much already, and would be willing to donate to the posteriorally-challenged people such as myself.  Having a rear has changed my life, my attitude, and especially my wardrobe.  I no longer have to wear suspenders under my shirt to keep my underwear from falling down!  I don’t have to buy belts from the children’s section any more to make sure I don’t lose my britches during long periods of walking, running, or riding a tricycle.  No longer will people say as I pass by, “There goes the guy with the Hannah Montana belt!  Let’s all mock him while pointing and throwing rotten fruit!”

Long gone is the day when I can only sit for 30 minutes at a time to keep my bony caboose from wearing through my jeans!  It’s like I’m sitting on a pillow filled with water placed on a 3-inch layer of feathers covered in rabbit pelts underneath a cloud.

Of course, every rose has it’s thorns, as I am increasingly subject to scientific phenomenon knows as “unassisted wedgies”.  This is where your rear reaches out and grabs a hold of your underwear (and God help me, my pants) like a horse eating an apple.  The only plus side is that when someone decides to give me a wedgie on purpose, I now have the protection to cushion the blow, where in the past, my pants would scrape directly against my tailbone.

I also have to be careful when I wear my swimsuit so my new-found booty doesn’t hang out too much.  But I guess that’s the nature of the beast when I wear a thong.  No way around it, that’s for sure.

The best part is, I no longer have to pad my underwear to acheive a “normal” look.  I’ll save a fortune on tissue paper.

SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL FOR THE KYLE BAXTER PROJECT FAITHFUL

I love singing karaoke.  The video quality leaves something to be desired, but listen to that angel’s voice!  Hopefully I will get to post more of my karaoke soon.

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Family Hunting Trip

September 12, 2009 2 comments

This Labor Day, James (my brother-in-law) and I went camping.  Of course, I typically do not like the outdoors.  As soon as they bring the outdoors indoors, remove the bugs, and add central air and plumbing, I will be all for it.  Until then, I’ll just try to keep a cordial relationship with the woods.  Agree to disagree.

What I did not tell James is that I was actually planning a family hunting trip!  I packed some firearms into a suitcase with my camera, packed my sleeping bag, and headed for the wonderful Ozarks.  Upon arriving, we were quite hungry, but had fortunately packed some fruit to replenish our energy after the long car ride.  As he bit into a crisp nectarine, I unveiled my wonderful idea that we actually make out simple camping excursion into a family hunting trip!  He was very much excited, and we made plans to head out into the deep woods after he finished his wonderful peach-like fruit.

While I was waiting, I unpacked my firearm and camera.  Here is the footage I was able to take before having to speed home:

I told you it was a family hunting trip.  I used the trip to hunt family.

Disclaimer: This did not actually occur exactly as I told it.  Believe it or not, I have taken slight liberties with the details.  No one was harmed in the making of this footage.  We were very far away from civilization on private property when utilizing said firearm.  Please do not send any angry e-mails, letters, or Beanie Babies.  Cash would be nice, though.