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Engaging the Enemy

There’s nothing more magical than getting engaged.  All the fevered energy spent going into the perfect proposal, the time spent shopping for the perfect ring that says “I love you so much that I chose to spend way too much on your ring, and had to get a second and third mortgage on my life insurance policy”.  And that’s saying a lot, because mortgages on life insurance policies do not technically exist.  What a truly glorious experience!

Then the wedding planning starts.

From then on, just hold on and try not to get “disengaged”.  This requires a lot of understanding from the groom.  He must remember:

–Men are lucky if they think far enough ahead to set out what they’re going to wear the next day.

–A woman will spend the months leading up to the wedding telling her fiancé the wedding colors she picked out while she was still in the womb.  (Typically the color she picked is red, but that’s because red is the only color swatch available within the uterus.)

–Most scientists believe that the ionic combination of gold and diamonds applied to the left ring finger of women alters their brain chemistry and causes them to become raging lunatics.  (This phenomenon is similar to those “cure-all magnetic bracelets”, only this isn’t a scam to steal money from the sick and the elderly.)  Women, in their delusional state, will speak entirely false statements, even tricking themselves.

Just for giggles, let’s compare what she says during the wedding planning against what she really means.

Most brides will absentmindedly say something like, “I really want you to be involved with our wedding.” This is especially curious, because she really means, “When I tell you what I want for my wedding, you had better agree with enthusiasm, or I will accuse you of trying to ruin my day.”

If your bride happens to suffer a major head injury, leading to bleeding of the brain, she might slip and say, “I want you to pick out a Groom’s Cake.” The whole family can look back and laugh (20 years later) when you realize she really meant, “I’ve been dropping subtle hints for months about what choice you had better make about the Groom’s Cake.  Pick the cake I want, and no one gets hurts.”

The true test of a man’s deciphering skills comes when she says, “I want your honest opinions about the decisions for our wedding.” A skilled interpreter will faintly detect that she, in reality, meant to say,  “You are not allowed to say ‘whatever you want, dear’.  This is unacceptable.  Agree wholeheartedly and convincingly to anything I have decided we will enjoy.  Do not attempt to insert any of your own hair-brained ideas.  They are all stupid, and will ruin my day.  I will resort to tears, screaming, and involving my parents in the ‘discussion’.  Either find my plans appealing, or find a new bride (I will keep the ring).  I have been thinking about this day my WHOLE LIFE, and I will be gol-darned if some CHUMP with a LOUSY JOB comes into MY LIFE and tries to mess with MY WEDDING.”

To my engaged brethren, I say: do whatever she says with enthusiasm, and I swear she will snap out of it.  Again, scientists have found that by adding more gold (say, the weight of a wedding band) to the woman’s left ring finger, the balance of diamonds will be offset, and her brain chemistry will revert to its normal (whatever that means) state.  When the whole ordeal is done, she will look back and realize what a horrible person she’s been through the planning process and beg your forgiveness.  I’ve been married 2 years, and I still hold it over her head.  Take THAT, equal rights!

In her defense, I wanted my Groom’s Cake to be in the shape and design of Hulk Hogan.  I’m a quirky guy, and I think that would have been hilarious.  I think (almost) every man in my audience would agree.  However, I was quickly and effectively overruled by my Bride, the Mother of the Bride, and the Wedding Planner.  This is known in most wedding planning circles as the “Estrogen Trifecta”.

During this important time (wedding planning), you must always share with your betrothed: your love, your life, your experience, and your Prozac.

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