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I’m going to cut straight to the point here.  My blog shows me what search terms people use to find it.  These are actual searches, and not just something I made up because I have too much time on my hands (that’s every post other than this one).  Some of them are completely outrageous and worth mentioning/explaining.  It makes me wonder what people meant to find when they stumbled across this crazy mixed-up blog.  Let’s begin!

–“site:z.about.com black men fashion” I consider myself an expert on “black men fashion”, but I can’t remember discussing it here.  It’s like someone is reading my mail and finding me with it.  Come to think of it, the person reading my mail is probably my wife.  She opens my mail all the time, which I’m pretty sure is a Federal offense.  I should probably sue her.

–“yo mama chello player” There’s several things wrong with this search.  “Chello” is not a word, unless you’re talking about “the brand of internet service provider-activities of Liberty Global Europe (formerly UGC), the leading provider of broadband internet access via cable in Europe, with estimated 1.3 million customers across its markets“, which I can be fairly certain they’re not.  I think the person searching forgot the word “a” and a comma.  This should read “Yo mama a chello, player”, in which the speaker is casually mentioning to an associate that his mother is a “chello”, whatever that is.

–“glassy eyes cocaine” One can only assume that whoever typed this is looking for a brand of cocaine called “Glassy Eyes”.  There’s even a little jingle:

When you’re feeling tired
And your strength starts to wane
Kick the tires and light the fires
Reach for Glassy Eyes® Cocaine!

Or, as was popular in the 1980s, you have to scare kids into not doing drugs.  In any number of Public Service Announcements, Mark-Paul Gosselaar would walk across the set of “Saved By The Bell”, telling you the repercussions of doing drugs.  “If you use cocaine,” he’d say, “your eyes will boil out of your head, and you’ll have to live the rest of your life with glass eyes.  Refrain from cocaine!”  There was always a rhyming catch-phrase at the end.

–“gun nose piercings” I can think of at least ten better ways to pierce your nose other than firearms.

–“stunted growth mold” In a previous post, I discussed the effects of consuming orange mold on my cat.  Wait, that came out wrong.  That makes it sound like I consume orange mold that grows on my cat.  I meant to say “the effects on my cat from his consumption of orange mold”.  It’s obvious that someone else’s cat has the same problem.  Or, they may have mold that has had its growth stunted after eating an orange cat.  I could totally see that happening.

–“word equation for car battery” Finally, one that makes sense!  I’ll break it down very quickly:

Car+Battery=Car Battery

–“why are men so competitive in video game” I find this insulting.  Men are competitive in everything.  Every competition ever invented by men is like Mad Libs.  Just fill in the blanks! “I’ll bet I can (verb) more (plural noun) than you.”  The more absurd the competition, the more prestigious it is.  For instance:

“I’ll bet I can eat more hot dogs than you.”

“I’ll bet I can kill more spiders with my cowboy boots than you.”

“I’ll bet I can stuff more midgets into a compact car than you.”

See?  Now you try one!

–“piercing cat butt” Two words: NO!  I’m hoping the government is scouring the Internet looking for searches like this so they can find the people at the animal shelter who are giving away the cats with tail rings.

–“to be a man you must be fat” Can’t argue with that logic.

–“flea markets + kansas + lawn darts” Sounds like someone has an interesting weekend planned in the Plain States!  There’s no greater thrill in life than finding pre-owned lawn darts in Kansas (the “Boring State”)!

–“where should a nose piercing go” I thought this was a no-brainer, but then I thought back to the time I met a girl who had a nose piercing between her big toe and the one next to it.  (Would that be called the “index toe”?  Is the nomenclature the same for feet as it is for hands?  I mean, I don’t call my thumb my “big finger”, though I might start.)  Big mistake.  I tried telling her, “No, your nose piercing is supposed to go in your nose!”  She felt pretty silly after I explained it.  She replied, “I wish I had taken the time to research it on the Internet!”

Thanks for your participation!  Remember to tell all your friends about the wonderful time you spent at the Kyle Baxter Project.

I’ll bet I can waste more of your friends’ time than you.

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