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Gentlemen, Start Your Search Engines!

I have the ability within my blog to see how some people have come to my site.  For instance, I can see many individuals link over from Facebook, my wife’s website, and search engines.  To my enjoyment, WordPress will tell me what terms people used to find my blog.  They range from the mundane (like “kylebaxterproject”) to the insane (like today’s “red eye cottontail”).  I get some so off-the-wall that they are worth mentioning.  Heck, more than mentioning.  They deserved to be commented on!  Let’s look at a few:

–“Hug man and man” Thank God this searcher only found me on the Internet and not in person.  Especially if he knew how I feel about “man hugs”.

–“religious gangs” Are there any religious gangs?  I’d go out and search for it, but apparently it would only lead me back to my own blog.  What would a religious gang do?  “I can’t believe it!  That’s three more motorcycles stolen by the ‘Heaven’s Angels’.”

–“Big women wear tight clothes” This is the wrong site if that’s what you’re looking for, my friend.  I may be jumping the gun, however.  Maybe this person was feeling the need to make a statement, and lacking any major TV or radio outlet, he turned to the largest media player of all: Google.  “Big women wear tight clothes!” he proclaimed, as if to receive a reply . . . “Yes, they do!”  Walking the streets and yelling it out just doesn’t get the word out enough.  I’ve tried.

–“Pregnant happy” Hands-down, this is better than “pregnant sad”, “pregnant disappointed”, and the very frustrating “pregnant why” and “pregnant how?”

–“is reba pregnant” If this rumor EVER takes off, I hereby accept full credit for it.  The post “Big Fashion” has turned the Internet upside-down!  (Is that even possible?)

–“Fat man and baby” Really?

–“Schizophrenia bluetooth” Looks like someone talking to him- or herself is taking my advice on how not to look crazy in public.

–“crazy four letter words” Maybe this person was not looking for 4-letter words that are crazy, but instead was looking for 4-letter synonyms for “crazy”.  For instance, the words “nuts” is a four-letter word that can mean the same as “crazy”.  “Daft”, “zany”, “loon”, and “wild” also come to mind, just to name a few.  I apologize for not being more help the first time around.  Maybe if that person searches again, I can be of service this time.

–“female hasidic jews in traditional female” I strained my mind and herniated my brain stem trying to think of how in the world this could lead to my blog.  I don’t remember talking about female Hasidic Jews in traditional female clothing.  Well, I guess I have now.  Hopefully every time that topic is searched, I will come up first now.

–“hiding spots of crack cocaine” I’m speechless on this one.  I haven’t done my research, but does using crack cocaine give you spots?  If any fans out there smoke crack cocaine, could you please identify yourself (name, address, and the place a DEA agent would be most likely to find you) and answer this question?  Or, as smoking crack is mostly illegal, maybe the searcher is looking for places (or “spots”) to store the crack cocaine between uses.  Again, I have no idea if this is true, but it seems like a frugal crack smoker would buy enough crack for more than one use.  I imagine you would get a discount for buying in bulk.

–“look into my eyes i want you forever and” Now THAT’S a true fan!  At first I was thinking, “and . . . what?”  Something tells me I really don’t want to know.

To further prove my point, here are a few keywords to ensure that people will stumble upon this blog in their searches for all things random, obscure, and many times false:

Charles Gibson’s hairline

New shoes on old feet

Stedman exists

Al Gore is not “in it for the money”

Dick Tracy trivia

Sam Walton zombie

Howling Tom Ryser

Frank Drebin (might be Phil Donahue)

Shakira’s career?

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