Home > Most Everything > “Crazy” is a 4-Letter Word

“Crazy” is a 4-Letter Word

The word “crazy” can mean many different things, from very negative to extremely complimentary.  For instance:

–“Jim Carrey is so CRAZY!”  This is of course a good thing, because the manic comical genius of Jim Carrey cannot be denied.

–“Don’t mess with Ricky; he’s CRAZY!”  Someone with a short fuse could be this kind of “crazy”.

–“My ex-girlfriend is CRAZY!”  This usually denotes someone who will not stop calling long after the relationship is over.  Also, the speaker of this sentence probably still gets poems in the mail written in blood.

–“Man, that 1080 inverted triple tail-grab was CRAZY!”  When talking snowboarding, this is “crazy” in a good way.  When talking wedgie removal, it’s probably a bad thing.

Mental disorders are no laughing matter.  At least, not in front of the person.  You don’t want to set them off, because you never know what crazy people will do.  Sadly, those with mental disorders may have a hard time living a “normal” life.  Keeping a job, having a family, or not getting mocked by me can seem almost impossible to a crazy person.  If you are a crazy person, and have not been offended already, please read on!  I have some ingenious tips on how you can live a more normal and productive life.  At least, I have some employment suggestions for you.  After that, you’re on your own.

Bi-Polar (Manic-Depressive)

Happy, sad, happy, sad; which is it?  I either see you laughing or crying, but it doesn’t have to be a disability!  Between the exuberant laughing and the horrifying sorrowful pain, you probably can’t hold yourself together enough to be still for more than a few seconds.  Thus, you would not do well helping people learn CPR.  “Teacher, this practice dummy smells like tears and laughter.  I quit.”  Instead, I suggest you be an entrepreneur with PMS training classes, teaching husbands what to expect when living with a woman.  I’m not saying you’d be able to help them deal with it (may God help us all), but at least they could learn the warning signs.  And exit strategies.  (Remember: a window is just a small door when Pre-Monster Syndrome rears its ugly head.)

Anything that mirrors PMS is a “dangerous” crazy.

Depression

I know this is a touchy subject, as many people have once had or know someone who has signs of depression.  I do not make these quips lightly, because I would not want to make you sad (pun intended).  I am offering real solutions to an increasing problem.  You can very easily become a lifelong Quintiles participant, receiving as much as $3,000 for a 6-week study, requiring only a few overnight stays.  Travel expenses are also reimbursed.  And hey, free medication.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personalities)  (Super Crazy)

The employment opportunities are endless for someone with DID.  You can be your own boss!  Literally.

Let that last one soak in for a minute.  I really liked it.  Moving on . . .

As someone with DID, you could always work the counter at the DMV.  The whole counter.  Assuming, of course, that every one of your personalities is mean, unhelpful, and likes to take long breaks.  DID and DMV rhyme . . . coincidence?  I think not.

Think of the possibilities!  You could be a pit crew member in NASCAR!  If you worked at McDonald’s, you could take the money at the first window, and give me my food at the second!  I guess the only change you’d have to make is a 2-sided name tag.  Also, if you could put on glasses, a different hat, or fake lips while sprinting from Window 1 to Window 2, I’d really appreciate it.  You could probably get two paychecks that way, you crazy sly devil!

Just think about it, that’s all I’m asking.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

With OCD, it’s all about ritual (obsessive cleaning, certain habits, etc.).  For some, it’s as simple as having to walk around their car 3 times to make sure lights are off, windows are rolled up, and that a maniac is not hiding under the car waiting to jump out and butcher them like a hog.  (See: “My ex-girlfriend is CRAZY!”)  For others, this kind of crazy can be much more socially crippling, like putting on gloves before handling money or dog feces.

Again, just let that soak in.

Like I said, OCD is about doing things a very particular way.  One option is to become a car detailer.  You’d be so thorough, your supervisor wouldn’t know what to think of you!

“Sure, the cars come back spotless.  He goes over everything 12 times.  It takes him two hours!”

Some jobs want you to do nearly the same thing every time, which is perfect for the routine of someone living with OCD.  How about joining the ranks of the clergy?  Parishioners would love you!

“Yep, Mass lasted exactly 26 minutes and 17 seconds again.  This guy’s good.”

Schizophrenia

Though often mislabeled as someone having multiple personalities, schizophrenia is actually a state of being disconnected from reality.  Often, you may see a schizophrenic walking around muttering to him or herself.  I have no real occupational advice for someone who wanders around and mutters.  The most important thing a schizophrenic can do to resemble normal is to wear a Bluetooth headset everywhere.  Everyone around you will have no idea that you’re crazy.

“I don’t know who he’s talking to, but he’s going to make them all pay.”

or,

“Maybe he has a great talent, because he told the person on the other end of the call that he’s going to ‘show the world’, and that ‘no one messes with Ricky because Ricky’s CRAZY!'”

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  1. May 4, 2009 at 12:17 am

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