Home > Video Posts > How-Not-To, Part 1

How-Not-To, Part 1

I’m known most for my incredulously good looks, but because of your numerous e-mails, I’ve also become a “how-to” guru.  I would like to take this time to respond to some of these e-mails publicly.  Daily, I receive e-mails like the following:

To: Dr. Baxter (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
From: Franklin D. Feldman (FDF2154@gmail.com)
Subject: When is it OK to start a diet plan?

Dear Dr. Baxter,

I know you mostly for your incredulously good looks, but I have a question that needs answering.  Surely someone as good-looking and obviously semi-omnipotent as yourself has said answers.  How long can my beard get before officially becoming “disgusting”?

Sincerely,

FF

Franklin, your beard can reach a length of no longer than 6 inches before becoming universally accepted as “disgusting”.  This does not account, however, for cultural differences.  Certain groups like Hasidic Jews, biker gangs, and ZZ Top may allow for lengths of beard greater than 6 inches.  Of course, these are only in cases of religious practice, motorcycle gang affiliation, or existing in the state of being a Sharp-Dressed Man.

Let’s move on to a more pressing question:

To: Colonel Kyle, Esquire (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
From: Archibald E. Worthington (Archieworth@aol.whydoesanyonestilluseaol.com)
Subject: What’s that smell

Honorable Kyle,

Your devilish handsomeness has beguiled me, and I must seek every bit of information contained in your pulchritudinous cranium.  I have a strange smell coming from my kitchen sink.  What in the world could it be?

XOXO,
A.E.W.

Mr. Worthington, it appears as if you have accidentally let your gerbil play in the garbage disposal again.  We talked about this last time, didn’t we?  There’s no reason why Mr. Cuddles’ life had to end so suddenly.  I pray you use more caution next time, dear friend.

And another:

To: Baxter, Kyle (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
From: Wilma Ellen Raines
Subject: Subatomic Matter Question

I am a science teacher in the state of New Hampshire, and one of my students was wondering if your body is actually handsome at the subatomic level.  Are the neurons, electrons, and protons contained in your atoms actually better looking than the average biped’s?

With utmost regard and ever-living respect,
Ms. Raines
Millard Fillmore Jr. High
Fulton, NH

Ms. Raines, I do not have a logical answer to your question, as I am not a scientist by occupation.  It’s a hobby, sure, but not my job or anything.  Therefore, my nearest guess is that my atoms differ slightly from the average individual’s, in that they (my atoms) bear an uncanny resemblance to the chiseled features of Rock Hudson.  I hope this helps.

Yet again:

To: the Kyle Baxter Project (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
From: Kyle Baxter
Subject: Awesome name, lol

My name is also Kyle Baxter, lol!  I think that’s great!  Through greater research, I see that your name is not actually Kyle Baxter.  This confuses me.  It also leads me to this question.  What are women thinking?

In the meantime, please visit my website.

With the utmost respect for your prepossessing comeliness,
Also Kyle Baxter (LOL)

Kyle, I can sum that up in three simple words: “I Don’t Know”.  Who could possibly understand the way women think?  Kidding!  The real three words that sum up how women think are:

1: Shoes

2: Shopping

3: Clothes

Anything beyond that is a fluke and/or aneurism.  On to the final e-mail:

To: Paul Ryser (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
From: Paul Ryser (kylebaxterproject@yahoo.com)
Subject: Moving Boxes

Me,

People never tire of looking at your gorgeous face, but also seek your advice, because you are a sage in these uncertain times.  I’ve heard from my chiropractor and other medical “experts” that you should crouch and use the strength from your legs when lifting heavy objects.  Is this true?

Love,
Me

PS Any instructional video you may have in your vast library would help me immensely.

That’s the best question I’ve received all day!  Your thoughtful question leads me to this purposeful response.  Do not listen to any medical doctor, as they are only out to make money!  Holistic medicines, like herbs, organic tinctures, and snake venom have been known to cure (or cause paralysis in) people for centuries!  At your request, I have dug deep into my video library to bring you my instructional video, “How to Lift a Box”.  Simply watching his video will save you needless trips to the chiropractor/acupuncturist/cellist.

Side note: Did you recognize Yo-Yo Ma?

Secondary side note: Did you just think I was talking about yo-yos?

Disclaimer: The author of this piece is not a medical doctor.  Do not listen to him.  Not just about this.  Pretty much everything.

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  1. Bob Baxter
    April 14, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Hey Bro,
    Good falling action on that video. Faking a good fall is pretty hard. Also, I liked your reference to your alter-ego at http://www.kylebaxter.com.

    • kylebaxter
      April 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

      Hey thanks! I bear a few marks from my many takes (around 10). Yes, my alter-ego will experience a few hits from me, and I hope he visits me back. Who knows what could come of it? Lawsuit? Nah.

  2. Kar Kar #2
    April 17, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Thank you for sacrificing your back for the cause. I really appreciate it.

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