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Exercise, Day 2

My eyes were throbbing.  My lungs were burning like a lit match in my windpipe.  My legs threatened to fail beneath me.  My head pounded like a jackhammer was applied directly to my brain stem.  I am certain I did not have any thought in my head except “Don’t fall down, because you’re the only one out here.  You’d die on a middle school running track.”  I was officially halfway through my first lap.

I was shocked to find out how out-of-shape I am, not that I ever was in shape.  I guess I always lived in a state of denial wherein I told myself, “I could run for hours; I just don’t want to.”  I was happy with that until I went on a weight-loss plan.  My plan: Don’t eat pizza and Ramen Noodles every night for dinner.  It’s worked swimmingly thus far. I’m down 26 pounds and counting.  Now that I’m a skinny guy (more so), I want to put on some healthy weight (muscle and pure testosterone).

I, for some reason still unknown to me, decided to go out for a run tonight.  Mind you, at 24 years old, this is the first voluntary “exercise” run I have ever taken.  Any other time I had engaged in running, I was running from something that was chasing me (bullies, cars, and a nagging sense of self-doubt).  As I mentioned at the opening of the post, I was doomed almost from the start.  I was tempted to stop after one time around the track (1/4 mile), but I pushed on because my ego couldn’t handle only once around.  Halfway through the second lap, my main focus was not having a heart attack.  It was hard to remain focused, because of all the swirling colors in my vision, caused by either a lack of blood flow to my head, or someone had slipped psychedelic mushrooms into my lunch.

After a victorious two times around the track (1/2 mile), I switched over to walking (then to crawling, then trying to slither on my belly like a snake, then to call 9-1-1).  I went home, incredulous about my lack of stamina on the race track.

Let’s go back one day, to last night.  I was looking at myself in the mirror (as I am known to do from time to time) and realized that the exercise I had been engaging in for the last 3 years was not working as well as it used to.  My workout regimen consisted of:

–Flexing in front of the mirror in a variety of ways

It worked for me all through high school, but it is failing me in my older years (21-24).  Out of the blue last night, I said to myself, “Dennis, it’s time to hit the weights again!”  I replied, “Sounds great!”  I had my routine all planned out:

–3 sets of 30 push-ups

–3 sets, 15 reps, doing curls with 35-lb weights

–3 sets, 15 leg lifts

–3 sets, 30 crunches

–1 set, laying in a bathtub full of ice

I felt great when I went to bed, knowing I had started the journey towards a healthier me!  And yes, I refer to myself as Dennis in my head.

I woke up this morning in a personal hell of muscular despair and inability to get out of bed.  My eyelids were too sore to open.  I thought I was going to have to drive by sense of smell today.  I may have overdone it a little, the way I see it.

After my Sunday activities, I reasoned that I was due for the aforementioned run.  We’ve covered that, so I’ll skip straight to my second day of weight training.  Knowing I had already hit my abs, biceps, delts, glutes, pecks, jerks, snacks, quads, ticks, whacks, traps, todds, and the all-important flits the first day, I thought I’d try to see how many of the same exercises I could do while still a little sore.  My workout consisted of:

–1/2 set of walking up the stairs

–1/2 set of crawling up the stairs

–1 set of 2 push-ups

–5 sets of laying on the ground and groaning

–3 sets of 1/2 leg lifts

–2 sets of 10 bicep curls (no weight in hand)

–12 sets of my wife asking me if I’m okay

I barely survived the ordeal.  My inspiration for finishing the workout was just knowing I would be able to tell you all about it.  Actually, that’s not quite completely true.  My other inspiration is that I’m hoping to land a role in a soap opera as a hunky doctor where I have to remove my shirt on a regular basis to reveal my newly-chiseled torso features (including a 6-pack bellybutton).  Oh, I hope I get the part!  You probably think I’m kidding. Am I?  I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned to daytime TV to find out for sure!

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost 11:00 PM, and if I want to be in bed by 1:00, I’d better start crawling now.

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  1. Josh (#1 Fan)
    April 5, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Hahahaha this one might be a new favorite! That is hilarious!

    “12 sets of my wife asking me if I’m ok” hahaha

  2. Molly
    April 6, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Oh Paul/Kyle/Dennis, I can see it now…”It’s almost 11:00 pm, and if I want to be in bed by 1:00, I better start crawling now.” I literally laughed out loud when I pictured you crawling out of your office and into your bedroom.

  3. Bob Baxter
    April 6, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Bro,
    Your description of your 2nd day of exercise was hilarious. I’ve read it twice and laughed thoroughly both times. If only more people were as funny as you! By the way, the tee shirts look great.

    Bob

  4. Bob Baxter
    April 7, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Bro,
    I shared some of your “second-day” exercises with my wife last night, and she was cracking up. You can put a shiny gold star next to this KBP post. It’s a classic.

    Bob

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