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Head-On Collision

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    Don’t you hate it when you’re walking in the mall, thinking about something else, and you almost run into someone head-on?  When you try to dodge one another, you will invariably sidestep the same direction several time sin succession, prompting the other person (probably a moron) to say, “Shall we dance?”, then let out a small laugh.  Once, just once, I’d like to take the other person up on that offer.  What would happen if I grabbed that person by the arms and put them into a tango so fierce that they would not know if they would survive the ordeal?  I would then release them and say, confidently, “Yes, we SHALL dance!” and walk away.  That would teach them a lesson in using worn-out clichés.

    I’m sure this has been lampooned many times, but how come people in musicals all know the words when the lead character breaks into song?  It just doesn’t make any sense!  When I break randomly into song, everyone around me just stares.  Without fail, an old woman will say to me, “Sir, please.  This is a funeral.  I don’t care if you are Jean Valjean.”  No one EVER breaks into song with me.  I’ve tried so many times to invite others to join in.  I even sing songs people will know, like “Mary Had a Little Lamb” or “A Boy Named Sue”.  You’d think it would be easy, but try getting people to sing “Auld Lang Syne” in the middle of March, and you’ll see it’s more difficult than that.

    In a perfect world, we would break into song or dance, and everyone would participate.

    Believe it or not, we reached this amount of choreography in only a handful of takes.  With such precision, I’m sure you thought we had spent years at the Bob Fosse School for Tap, Jazz, and Hokey Pokey.  That evening, we had some early takes that, if not for my journalistic integrity, you may never had seen.  Below is an example.

    Stevie and I were not quite in sync, I’m ashamed to say.  I pride myself on my superior dancing skills, but I just didn’t have “it” at that very moment.  If you’re curious as to what “it” is, I will give you a hint:

    I have no idea.

    Fortunately, Matt jumped in to teach both Stevie and I how to tango like professionals.  I appreciate the arts more now that I have ample talent in footwork and rhythm.

    There’s no way I’m getting snubbed at the Tony Awards this year.

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    1. Kar Kar #2
      April 2, 2009 at 2:32 am

      Wow, I’m not kidding- you and Stevie actually did a GREAT job and the carts were in sync and everything. I had to watch the first video twice before I went on to the rest of the post. No joke.
      Thanks for another laugh.

    2. Mr. Easy Living
      April 2, 2009 at 9:15 am

      HAHAHAHA, Beautiful. Matt is very elegant.

    3. sociopathicfugitiveanonymous
      April 2, 2009 at 9:13 pm

      OMG! this was so funny.. i never watch where im going.. mostly because i am a woman, i have no depth perception and also because i am a woman.. its always the guys fault anyway because we are perfect innocent creatures free of fault… mostly this occurs at work while im trying to forget im there by doing the work by memory… lol that was amazing! the shopping carts…… sometimes when i randomly start singing people actually DO join in… mostly because i have odd friends that infiltrate the world and can be found almost anywhere… (dont look in the closet some are a little freaky and voyeuristic.. just pretend they aren’t there and you’ll both be happy)

    4. MacGyver once tango'd his way out of the guillotine.
      April 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm

      So THIS is what happens after HyVee closes! … wait a minute – does Hyvee close???

      • kylebaxter
        April 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm

        NEVER! But did you know MacGyver once used a bobby pin, a match head, and 3 yards of dental floss to harness the awesome power of the vacuum of deep space to enable Chuck Norris to drink ALL the tea in China?

    5. MacGyver once tango'd his way out of the guillotine.
      April 16, 2009 at 1:38 pm

      Wait a minute… Is this the Blue Springs HyVee movie set? OMG! I was totally just there the other day and saw this huge production crew and fans screaming desperately to get in. Now I know why – it was your incredulously good looks.

      • kylebaxter
        April 16, 2009 at 4:06 pm

        Ms. MacGyver, you have the location mistaken. It was filmed elsewhere. But, as I was working the other day, production crews and and screaming fans were still there because of my incredulously good looks. It’s a burden, but I bear it willingly.

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