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The Hierarchy

In life, there is a hierarchy.  One that overrules any other rules or laws set in place by man.  That is to say, who you can and cannot make fun of.  It all depends on who you are.  Some people are allowed to make fun of more people than others.  It’s a just system, and it rewards those who have been dealt a bad hand by circumstances, and punishes the self-destructive.  Hear me out . . . oh great . . . here it comes.

Disclaimer: The following are the ramblings of a madman.  Do not attempt these stunts, as they have been performed by trained professional.  Do not attempt to copy, redistribute, or rebroadcast this without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball or its subsidiaries.  Quid pro quo, e pluribus unum lol brb  Keep your legs and arms inside the ride at all times.

I’m glad we got that over with.  Now, onto the actual hierarchy!  As you will see, I have not rewarded myself with any special privileges above anything else that has been bestowed upon any of my equals.  There are four levels within the hierarchy, to simplify things greatly.  You may make fun of anyone in your level or below.  You have my permission.  It holds up in Britain’s highest Magistrate Court.

Your Fault

At the lowest level is “People Who Have Problems That Are Their Fault”.  In my opinion, you should be mocked for your carelessness and (alleged) idiocy if you brought it on your own head.  However, you are not without recourse!  You are allowed to make fun of others like yourself, if that makes you feel any better.  Of course, you cannot make fun of anyone outside of that.  The level of “People Who Have Problems That Are Their Fault” includes:

–Nailed own hand to a board
–Alcoholics
–Morbid obesity
–Sunburned
–Leathery, sun-damaged skin
–Bad haircut
Phil Donahue

If you fall into this category, you deserve at least a little bit of ridicule.  Maybe it will snap you out of an otherwise life-draining experience and make you a more productive member of society.  Especially you, Donahue.  I can’t believe you would let it all go to waste like that.  Wait, that was a picture of Leslie Nielsen.

Unremarkable

I like to think I fall into this category, despite the objections from my many detractors.  I may have my eccentricities, sure, but for the most part, I am a productive member of society.  I feel confident I am allowed to mock those who are also not remarkable, in addition to those who have sent themselves into a spiral of shame with their deplorable behavior (I’m looking at you, Donahue).  I’m taking it upon myself to better this culture by encouraging others to raise their standards (by ridiculing them mercilessly).  Darn, that was Leslie Nielsen again.  I don’t think we need a list to more thoroughly explain who falls into the “Unremarkable” group.  We, as unremarkable people, are not allowed to make fun of:

Not Your Fault

Almost at the top is the level of “People Who Have Problems That Are Not Their Fault”.  They get to make fun of others with life obstacles, as well as “Unremarkable” people and those who have brought trouble to themselves.  This group (and I am in no way mocking these legitimate issues) includes:

–Blind
Ugly
–Deaf
Alzheimer’s
–Eczema
Bald

Congratulations (sort of) if you fall into this category, because you have the opportunity to make fun of almost anyone you want!  No one can tell you you’re being insensitive, because hey, you’ve earned it!  If anyone ever says to you, “I think that was going too far!” you can look them right in the eye and say with confidence, “What?  I’m deaf!  I can say whatever I want!”  Or, if someone chides you for mocking a blind person, just laugh and say, “I’m bald!  You don’t own me!”  There is still one “no-no” that you must be extra careful to avoid (even if you are Alan Greenspan).  That is, to make fun of:

Dead

If you go out and make fun of dead people, then you truly have no shame (and that means a lot coming from me).  The only upside to being dead is that you have complete freedom to make fun of whoever you’d like.  Far be it from me to stop you.  If you’re dead, you can even make fun of other dead people!  I know George Washington, to this day, has been overheard to poke fun at Abe Vigoda.  What?  Abe Vigoda’s not dead?  He sure looks like it.

The Lesson

We all have the opportunity to encourage the betterment of one another through playful character assassination, but we must always remember the hierarchy so that we do not accidentally become shamed by kidding others who we have no business making fun of.  (Did that sentence even make sense?)  Now go out into the world armed with your new-found freedom to boldly mock those lower than you within the hierarchy.  Not again . . .

Disclaimer: The author (hereforinto referred to as “Moron”) makes no actual claims of the validity of aforementioned “hierarchy”.  This post is not intended to depict actual events.  Moron has invented this entire scheme himself, but does not assume any liability for its use indoors.  Or outdoors.  Anywhere, really.  Any similarities between individuals portrayed in this post and any actual person, living or dead, is coincidental.  Even Phil Donahue.

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  1. Kar Kar #2
    March 22, 2009 at 2:33 am

    So since my mom is blind have I inherited the right of being in the “not your fault” category? I think so – this hierarchy is definitely hereditary.
    I feel a lot better about life now, thanks.

  2. Molly
    March 23, 2009 at 6:23 am

    I’m not exactly sure where i fall. i’m not dead, blind, bald… i guess i’m just unremarkable. Ah, that’s not too bad.

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