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Women (In General)

Let’s talk about women in general.  I have to speak in generalities, because if I talk about my wife in specifics, she will poison my food.  Not enough to kill me, mind you, but enough to season my mind with a little brain damage like a pinch of Mrs. Dash Lemon Pepper.  So, in this post, when I talk about things women like to do, I am really talking about my wife.  But for tax purposes and legal obligations, I’m just talking about women in general.

Things Women Like That I Cannot Stand

This is a pretty long list.  I may have to separate this into a 15-part post.

Theater

What is it about the fusion of music, dancing, and lousy sound systems that causes women to travel in droves to see the latest offering of West Side Story?  I am admittedly a people watcher.  Anytime I’m at work, the mall, or at a theater production, I love viewing the general public in an unfiltered light.  I love watching guys at the theater slink down in their chairs, close their eyes, and try to die for 3 hours.  Theater does not end in death.  It is a slow, painful torture that keeps its victim hanging on until the last breath, when it releases him and reminds him over the PA system to throw away his trash at the bins conveniently located at every exit.

I understand there are some men out there who actually enjoy theater.  I don’t know why, I just understand that they exist.  It’s like Furbie; they exist, but why, oh why?  Men of the world, let’s unite against this evil called Theater!  Let’s refuse to participate or go to see these godawful events.  If we deny their existence, maybe they will go away.  Like ghosts or Billy Ray Cyrus.

Walks

Wait, so I’m expected to leave the comfort of my home and go walk around?  It doesn’t make any sense.  That’s like running for exercise.  Unless I’m running FROM something, I have no interest in running anywhere.  That’s probably the main reason I started trying to lose some weight; I’m entirely against exercise, and it finally caught up to me.

Regardless, I wholeheartedly dislike going into the outdoors, walking around, and coming home smelling like a tree trunk covered in moss.  Come to think of it, I’m against the outdoors altogether.  As soon as they bring the outdoors indoors, I’ll be glad to commune with nature.  As long as it’s outside, though, it can keep its musty smells and *shudder* wildlife.

The real question is: why do women like “going for a walk”?  I found myself out on a walk last night with a non-specific wife of mine.  It was soothing and relaxing, but the “guy” in me tried to ruin it constantly with my competitive nature.  We’d be walking through the grass holding hands, and I would lean close to whisper in her ear romantically.  “Let’s race to that tree.  I’ll give you a two second head start,” I would say with a hushed romanticism.  It pretty well killed the whole quiet peace of the walk, to be honest.

Disney Princess movies

I would more easily scrape my eyes out with a saxophone reed than sit through “Beauty and the Beast” one more time.  What is so intrinsic to Disney Princess movies that has women everywhere falling over themselves to get the latest release of a particular Disney Princess gag-fest before it goes “back in the Vault”.  I may be blowing a few people’s minds by saying this, but . . . THERE IS NO VAULT!  Not even a bank deposit box!  It’s a marketing ploy to get you to buy it now!  And when your little sister grows up and starts to make money, they will hike up the price, re-release it from “the Vault” (their greedy clutches) for a limited time only so they can dupe your unsuspecting sibling into purchasing the same DVD (or by then, we might have a new technology, like holograms or Beta) for double the money!  Don’t be fooled!

I mean, I love Disney.  Their Vault is secure, and is subject to limitations.  They do all they can do to make sure you have the movies you desire.  They provide many useful services to you and society as a whole.  They do not currently have me at gunpoint to change my tune and encourage you to play into some sadistic scheme.  (HELP!)

Picnics

There’s something about sitting on a quilt in the middle of a grassy field with all the bugs, snakes, and raccoons that drives me away from this idea.  “Oh, but there’s food,” you might say.  That only serves as a lure for said raccoons and snakes.  Not so much the bugs; they’re pretty much everywhere anyways.  I’d be just as happy to lay a quilt in the living room and watch a little TV as we enjoy our “picnic”.  Food does not taste better outdoors, I’m convinced.  If you enjoy the taste of dirt that has blown onto your food from a park playground (which of course tastes like childrens’ feet and lost childhood), then be my guest.  It’s not for me.

Girly Stuff (In General)

Let me set one thing straight in this post.  It’s not that I don’t respect the things women enjoy.  I just don’t care.  I understand that women enjoy such trivial things; I simply don’t know why.  That’s all.

Formal apology: I would like to extend the olive branch to all women who may or may not have been offended by this post.  I meant it in no way to harm or point out any flaws in the female logic.  If there is such a thing.  Thanks!  You’re a great audience!

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  1. Brie
    March 17, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I HATE theater. Do most women enjoy it? Is that true…it can’t be true.

    • kylebaxter
      March 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm

      Oh, it’s true. In my experience anyway. Ask around, you’ll see that I have told you correctly.

  2. March 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I’m a little bit scared for you.

    • kylebaxter
      March 17, 2009 at 2:37 pm

      Those are the lengths to which I am willing to go for you, my readers. I would sooner put my life in danger than let an opportunity to brighten your day pass us by. Thank you, and goodnight.

  3. Phil
    March 17, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Amen. Except the stuff about the outdoors. I do enjoy the outdoors. A good pair of boots can protect you from most varieties of snakes, freeing you to ignore/dispose of them as you like (Most people who get bitten by snakes get bitten on their hands because they were messing with the snake. LEAVE THEM ALONE. If you must dispose of them, remember their spines are very weak, a quick WHACK with a sturdy stick should do the trick. It’s still usually best to avoid them). And racoons, though often rabid, can be dispatched from a distance with a firearm or chased off with the aforementioned stick (or run over in the middle of the night by a careless driver who didn’t bother swerving because he felt it was better not to endanger his or lovely wife’s safety by trying to swerve while going 65 miles per hour…yes, I killed a racoon with my car. Poor little guy barely saw it coming). Finally, what’s wrong with smelling like the outdoors? That’s how people are supposed to smell.

  4. Michelle Thomassen
    March 17, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I’m with you on the picnics…the ants can get their own potato salad as far as I’m concerned. And because you had to take everything outside, there’s just too much work involved.

    Plays I like but I despise musicals. They were not designed to be entertaining…to me. I like a good story and in a musical when the story FINALLY gets going…they stop and break into song…again. Ugh!

  5. Bob Baxter
    March 18, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Bro,
    I think you’re off a little bit on this post. Sure, it was funny as heck, but I enjoy walks with my wife. I can’t say I really enjoy Disney Princess movies, but I’m the one singing show tunes to my wife in our kitchen. I can do a really rousing rendition of “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” from Annie. Listen. “The sun will come out tomorrowwwww….”

  6. Jesse Weedman
    March 18, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    I like theater…….walks…….and picnics……..I am seriously contemplating the status of my manhood now 😦

    P.S. As a loyal follower of this blog, I noticed you have a picture next to your name. Is it possible for us minions to get a picture attached to our names on here?

    • kylebaxter
      March 18, 2009 at 11:17 pm

      I believe you must have a WordPress account to upload a photo. I’m not sure. I’d never tried to comment before I got my blog. The purple square kind of looks like you, though. As for the legitimacy of your manliness, I have no judgments to make. I simply make observations and let you, the loyal reader, decide for yourself. Good luck and godspeed.

  7. the mom
    March 24, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Dear son,
    I laughed my head off. However, we will be sure and exclude you from all future family events that take place outdoors, in theaters, and involve alternately putting one foot a comfortable distance in front of, or sometimes behind, the other, and usually proceeding at a moderate pace in contact with the ground.Did my daughter KNOW she was marrying a culture lacking, “classic” despising, un-American couch potato? Are you SURE your wit is really enough here, boy? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……

    Love, mom

    • kylebaxter
      March 24, 2009 at 5:43 pm

      Well, if we’re talking a moderate pace, then I might be up for it. That’s what they say about writing, though. You have to take an extreme viewpoint to keep people interested. It loses its punch if I say, “I am up for all these things in moderation”. Then everyone says, “So what?” Thus, when I make inflammatory statements, people can more easily be pressed to read on an comment. Just working the crowd. haha!

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