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Trouble Brewing

I try to be as responsible as possible when I have a major gas attack.  I’m an upstanding citizen.  I look for an empty aisle in which to unleash the “breath of the devil” brewing in my intestines.  But it never fails; as soon as I find a nice, quiet spot to blow the dust out of my pants, a customer comes out of nowhere

He or she (usually it’s a woman with a small child in tow) will walk down the aisle and somehow ALWAYS need something that is right where I just dropped my depth charge.  They have to know it’s me.  And yet, I’ve never been confronted about it.  They usually quickly move on without picking anything out, for fear of searing their lungs with my sulfuric gas.

As anyone in retail knows, there are really only two good ways to flatulate in public without getting caught by your eventual victims.  For your convenience and enjoyment, I will give you examples of these techniques, so you can learn how to relieve your colonic inflation before your guts  burst.

Live and Let Fly

The most important part of this technique is that you find a quiet place to do your aromatic business.  There’s no time to lose; as soon as you feel the gurgle, get there, and fast.

Like I said earlier, no matter how good of a spot I have picked to let out a tropical breeze, someone always comes to where I am.  Do not act guilty.  Keep doing what you were doing, and if you’re patient, you can escape with your dignity.  If you walk away as soon as your spot someone coming down the aisle, whoever walks into your flight path will know it was you and alert management.  If you’re lucky, a couple of people will enter the aisle.  Bide your time, and as soon as their backs are turned, get out and don’t look back.  A child or husband may take the fall, but hey, at least it’s not you.

For the first time, we took the Kyle Baxter Project out of the office and into the streets!  You are fortunate enough to witness the first incarnation of the KBP going public.  Let’s see this technique in action:

My sincerest thanks to Derek and Sabrina for leaping at the chance to be actors in this video.  They did great!   Feel free to applaud.

The Crop Duster

This is also known in many circles as “The Walking Farts”.  The idea is to find a quiet place, blow through, and get out without being spotted.  With a little good timing, you will be gone before anyone walks through the area.  It’s a victimless crime!  (Almost.)

This is the simplest way to get out your gas without bringing attention to yourself.  Here’s a little instructional video to help you:

If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought James was actually dying.  Bravo, James!  Derek did a great job working the camera as well.

Thanks to my actors helping me take the Kyle Baxter Project where it’s never gone before!  If you really enjoyed this, please send it to any friends or family members who might get a kick out of fart jokes.

If you’re ever walking through a store, and happen upon a cloud of stench, just know someone left it there for you.  It was probably me.

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  1. James K
    March 7, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I spitting all over my computer screen from laughing so hard. Very funny and instructional!

    • kylebaxter
      March 7, 2009 at 3:36 pm

      That’s pretty much what I was hoping for. I now fully expect you to pass that on to everyone you know. It’s the perfect introduction to the Kyle Baxter Project.

  2. Molly
    March 7, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    HILLARIOUS!! I throughly enjoy KBP-gone-public.

    • kylebaxter
      March 7, 2009 at 4:59 pm

      Yeah! That’s what I like to hear! Like I said to James, I would totally hope that you spread this to all your teachers and schoolmates. ha! See you tonight!

  3. Grandall
    March 7, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    I don’t get Millennialist humor. But, I really dig sick cat impersonations…got any of those???? Rand

    • kylebaxter
      March 7, 2009 at 5:16 pm

      I’ll see if I can get the powers that be to release those tapes. They are right now under lock and key at a secure, off-site location. I may have to get a Presidential Order to have them unsealed. Or, I’ll have to bribe James.

  4. Mr. President
    March 8, 2009 at 12:48 am

    I give my Presidential blessings on the release of the sick cat impersonation video. It is all about what best for the Baxter Nation.

  5. Taylor Moore
    March 8, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    HA!

  6. shauna aguilar
    March 8, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Oh man, you have really asked for it now. You are going to be the center of every “fart” joke around and probably blamed for every foul odor. You’re so funny. Thanks for the tips.

  7. Phil
    March 8, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    First of all, I am proud of you for continuing the great work which we began in our youth when we conducted those late night gastrointestinal experiments and annotated the results with the rudimentary equipment which was available to us at the time. Derek, Sabrina, James: I salute you, for continuing the good fight, standing on the shoulders of giants (or more accurately pre-teen boys with a tape recorder and sugar-free Pez), and supporting Kyle Baxter in his amusing musings. By supporting this important work, you all have truly taken the difficult subject of discretion in conducting individual methane release to a whole new level, using the latest in twenty-first century technologies. The whole world is richer for it.

  8. Jesse Weedman
    March 8, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    I have no idea what you are talking about!!!!! May I still stand here??????

  9. kylebaxter
    March 8, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    You all are so kind! Thanks for supporting my pursuit of anonymous and discreet colonic emancipations.

  10. BenCraig
    March 8, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    I was walking through the aisle’s of Sears in Elizabethtown, KY today. For some reason, I was reminded of this post which I had read yesterday evening…

    Don’t they say that smell and memory are closely linked?

    I say this, because as I walked past the treadmills and onto the flat scren tv aisle at Sears, I obtained a wiff of something. I immediately wondered if any of the other KBP loyalists where in the aisle’s of Sears today testing out these new techniques…

    I then… hurriedly speed off to the Craftsman’s Tool section of the store to avoid further singeing of my nostrils.

    • kylebaxter
      March 9, 2009 at 12:47 am

      Craig, when you feel that your family (fellow KBP readers) is far away because you are out of town, just know we are right with you in every green cloud and every singed nostril hair. You don’t have to be alone. haha!

  11. the mom
    March 9, 2009 at 7:00 am

    Hey,
    I know I heard your wife sorta give her permission to show the video… do it!

  12. Kim
    March 9, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Oh my…this is very informative and I feel so much more educated. As if I’m not educated enough being here in college, I don’t think I’ve had any instructional videos yet. Thank you so much for your words and actions of wisdom! They’ve been very helpful. 🙂

  13. kylebaxter
    March 9, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Mom-

    I need you to put pressure on James to get it to me. I would be glad to edit it and post it. He doesn’t listen to me. It’s like he’s saving it for blackmail or something.

  14. Mr. Easy Living
    March 10, 2009 at 8:35 am

    I am honored to have had the opportunity to be a part of such a monumental post!

    • kylebaxter
      March 10, 2009 at 11:25 pm

      It was MY honor to have you.

  15. Elizabeth
    March 14, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Incredible!

  1. March 28, 2009 at 2:54 pm

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