Home > Everything Else > Up to My Elbows in Tampons

Up to My Elbows in Tampons

Before we start today, I feel I should explain that I will be using a series of single italicized words to express emotion.  I hope it’s as hard-hitting and personal to you as it is to me.  Begin!

I had the great honor of being part of an ugly people convention today.  I felt like I was on the outside looking in.  Surreal.  Ill-fitting t-shirts were everywhere.  I wish I had broken out my phone so I could truly express to you how truly “unique” everyone was.  I’m not trying to sound immodest here, but I’m almost certain that I was the best-looking person in the entire building.

“What kind of event was it?  I must know, because I want to live my boring old life through you.  You help me get through the day,” you may be saying out loud right now to your computer, as you beg for more details.  Delusional. Well, I will tell you that I was helping a business set up a new store in the United States (contiguous).  I have never felt so dumb in my entire life.  It was like my first day of college all over again.

I walked through the doors, and the noise from a bustling crowd of people greeted my ears.  They were all here for the same purpose as I was.  I had never been involved in this type of thing, and they all obviously had.  As soon as the crowd split into groups, they all began feverishly working.  I wandered around for a few minutes until a kind soul basically asked me if I had any idea what was going on.  I followed that person like a lost puppy to the area in which I was to begin setup.  Because I was the last person to claim a section, I received the section no one else wants, ever.  Feminine Hygiene.  Awkward.

Not to drift too far off-topic, but there are approximately a gazillion different kinds of feminine hygiene products.  How can women reasonably send a husband to the store at that time, and expect him to come home with the right product?  Insane.  “Oh, it’s the one in the blue package,” she says.  So are 5,000 others.  He’d be just as likely to find the right product if he were to walk into that aisle blindfolded (with a baby duck in his hand), wildly flailing until a box, package, carton, or envelope of “health care needs” falls into his hands.  God help him if he’s going to make a phone call in front of the shopping public and ask the proper questions out loud to determine what he needs to buy.  Therefore, he will guess, and it will be wrong.  And the baby duck will likely be scared from being in a public place.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

Back to the story.  Pointless.  I struggled with this section for 8 hours before finally retiring for the day.  Before today, the following words and phrases didn’t have any meaning to me in and of themselves.  Now, I can’t get them out of my head.  They swirl about every time I close my eyes.

–Super Plus
–With Wings
–Ultra Thin
–Monistat 7

All of these words now strike fear into my heart.  I dare not go back to that place tomorrow, lest these words drive me over the cliff of insanity.  Clowns.  I do, however, recommend that every husband go through what I did today.  It’s a great lesson to learn, and I feel very knowledgeable about this subject now.  Perhaps too knowledgeable.  I learned more this morning than I really wanted to.

I do, however, have an even greater respect for women.  With as many different combinations of attributes there are available for such products, I imagine it would be hard to find the product that works best.  Was I non-specific enough?  I’m trying to be as inoffensive as possible here, but also trying to retain the humor inherent in such topics.  I can hardly say the word “tampon” without breaking into girlish laughter.  I don’t know how people who market . . . such things . . . can do so without giggling all the time.  Childish.

I feel like I’m forgetting something.  Let’s see . . . as is my custom, I included a list (so my posts appear longer).  Check.  Ah, yes.  I have to talk about cats!  How silly of me!  I can’t believe I would be so irresponsible.  This is called “Kittens Inspired by Kittens”.  I did not make this video, but I do have an appreciation for it.  Watch this video with pride by clicking HERE.  I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.  Tampons.


  1. James Hartman
    March 4, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Just heard about this squarespace.com its similar to wordpress but i notice you change your css a lot and this might be really good for you.

    • kylebaxter
      March 4, 2009 at 4:34 pm

      Ooh, sounds tempting, but I’m already going to be ordering t-shirts with my current url. I will keep my eyes out for squarespace next time I’m going to be printing shirts to encourage people to buy another, haha!

  2. Phil
    March 5, 2009 at 10:39 am

    You know, every man who has ever been married knows the horrors of the feminine hygiene section. And those who have set a knew shelf, know what a pain that can be. So the idea of setting a whole new section filled with feminine hygiene products seems like a total nighmare. Like the type of thing a person may have to seek counseling for afterwards. I’m proud of you for making it out alive.

  3. shauna aguilar
    March 6, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    Made me laugh so hard I produced tears. Im so with you on the word Tampon..oh my goodness it’s a funny word. Men need not be sent to pick these items up for his woman, ever! Wings?? What the heck? Funny stuff!

    • kylebaxter
      March 7, 2009 at 11:03 am

      I know! They have all sort of crazy things! I’m glad you have a healthy respect for the word tampon also. haha

  4. ahrcanum
    March 23, 2009 at 9:39 am

    check out what my kids did w mini pads on Jobless to Topless post about Barbie dolls.! lol

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