Home > Most Everything > Hurk Goes the Cat

Hurk Goes the Cat

I slept ever so well last night, with my cats sleeping on my lap.  They slept very soundly, purring from time to time.  How peaceful.

I awoke this morning to the sound of internal fluids swishing around in my cat.  I popped out of bed with all the grace of a drunken gorilla and watched Louie hunched over, heaving with all the force in his body.  He said, and I quote:

“hurk . . . hurk . . . Hurk . . . HURK . . . HURK! . . . HURK! . . . (pause for effect) . . . PLEGH-AKKK-UUKKK”

An unholy concoction of tapeworm and hollandaise sauce erupted from Louie’s throat (take a second and imagine what that would look like; I’m really proud of the mental tapestry I’ve created here).  Claire had fortunately went into action by placing a piece of cardboard under Louie’s face to catch the odious fulmination.  In the process of throwing the vomit into the trash, I accidentally got some of the juice on my finger.  Oh, I almost lost my head.  I washed and scrubbed my hands with soap like I was preparing to perform heart surgery.  Finally, I made sure he was okay, and went back to bed.  It doesn’t matter if it’s 9 AM or 3 AM, when you hear that first “HURK”, there’s no going back to sleep for the rest of the day.  Any swishing of liquid anywhere in the house (a toilet flushing, a shower running, a goldfish leaping out of his bowl and into the sink) causes another panic-induced myocardial infarction, so it’s best just to get up for the rest of the day.

After further investigation of the juicy mess, I noticed it looked like the drawstring from a hooded sweatshirt with cat food mush around it.  I should’ve expected him to do what he did, being that he had not eaten much yesterday.  His stomach spent all day gnawing on that string, and never felt any desire for actual food.

I told you all that to tell you this: I have stumbled upon a new diet plan, guaranteed to help you shed those unwanted pounds without ever feeling hungry!  Just do what Louie does.  In the morning, swallow several feet of string, and you will not experience any cravings for the entire day, because your body won’t be able to digest it.  Then, the following morning, just HURK and PLEGH, and start the process over!  (If you plan on using the same piece of string, I would recommend at least washing it off first.)

I’ll call it “HURK Yourself Healthy”

Did someone say international diet sensation?

Taking care of cats is easy enough.  If they throw up, you just grab the carpet cleaner and (I wish I had thought to do this) gloves, then wipe up the mess.  The cat is usually fine, and you need not worry any longer.  If you have a human child, though, forget about it.  After HURKing on the carpet, a child would want to climb in bed and be comforted (no way do I want someone who already has a penchant for spewing to be IN my bed).

I’ll definitely stick with cats for now, as children not only make me uneasy, they downright scare me.  I know my father-in-law wants a bouncing baby grandchild, so he should be happy he has 5 other kids on which to place this heavy burden called parenting.  I’m good friends with a little something we call Math (if Math were a person, he’d be a wiry Japanese exchange student that wrecks the grading curve in trigonometry).  I crunched the numbers, and after all my research, I conclude that having children is not worth the trouble.

What?  Of course I have the number readily available.  Basically, you take all the pros and cons of having kids, and assign it a numerical value.  There are many ways to derive mathematically sound numerical values for these, but I have chosen the method used in Math every day called “arbitrary numbers”.  You add up the “pros”, subtract the “cons“, and you have a final number.  If that number is positive, it is worth having kids.  If that number is negative, the opposite is true.  Let’s take a look at my figures:

PROS–

Seeing my lineage passed on into future generations–20
Getting a place to stay after I become too feeble to take care of myself in my later years–5
My wife won’t cry herself to sleep every night because we don’t have a baby yet–100,000
Seeing all those “first moments” like first step, first word, etc.–30
Making embarrassing videos of my child–200
Seeing someone I helped create become a productive member of society–50
Tax breaks for having kids–1,800/child
The love of another human being–2

Total: 102,107

CONS–

Changing diapers–20
Dealing with when my child has crashed my car–10
When the child is HURKing–50
Child going through puberty–100
Paying for my child’s college–18,000/yr
When my child starts dating–200
Child’s whining (age 0-30)–1,000,000

Total: 1,072,380

When we subtract “cons” from the “pros”, you can clearly see a final number of -900,000, give or take. I didn’t figure it completely, because once you get beyond -500,000, you don’t really need to be very accurate.

Final analysis: I really shouldn’t be having kids right now, but you probably could have guessed that already.

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  1. February 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Nice going Kyle! And for a mere $200 I will not forward this to your father-in-law. And for $500 I won’t forward it to you mother-in-law. I take cash, checks, VISA, Mastercard, and American Express. You have until Friday.

    • kylebaxter
      February 18, 2009 at 5:35 pm

      HAHA, how about a money order? Or Western Union?

  2. February 18, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    All kidding aside, you write very well. I’m not sure if you believe what you’re saying or if you’re just trying to be clever. And “Odious Fulmination”!!… I actually had to look that up. The Jonas Bros. pic was a nice touch, my daughter will be thrilled. If it were me and the cat and kid were to throw up in my bed. The cat would die (that would happen first and I’d be happy about it) The kid would get to cuddle next to his dad all night (after I changed the sheets of course (that’s actually happened)). Keep it up Kyle.

    • kylebaxter
      February 19, 2009 at 6:43 pm

      True, most of what I say is for entertainment value and not serious discussion points. Indeed I will keep it up, and I do appreciate the encouragement!

  3. the mom
    February 22, 2009 at 9:16 am

    where is the video of Claire’s rendition of Louie puking?

    • kylebaxter
      February 22, 2009 at 9:45 am

      I’m still seeking permission from the powers that be to use that.

  4. Morgan
    February 25, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    HAH! I really enjoyed the way you explained your cats vomit. Now your going to have a hoodie with no drawstring and it will be sad, but I’m sure with 2 cats in the house, all your drawstrings are gone from everything.

    • kylebaxter
      February 25, 2009 at 9:27 pm

      I’m still not sure it was a hoodie drawstring. It might have been clothesline or vaccuum cleaner electrical cord for all I know. I didn’t do an autopsy on the puke. Next time I’ll dissect it, just so we al can have some peace of mind. HA!

  5. James K
    February 25, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    In my professional opinion and also being your president, at this time I am advising NO kids for you. Unless you kids like mine who are naturally a little weird (they take after mom) but if you have fairly normal kids they will be forever ruined if they ever catch you dancing like you did in the last video. I dance somewhat like that most nights, but my kids are different and they appreciate it and think dad is “cool”. Might want to stay with the cat. Unless Father -in law approaches and cocks the head and does the stare. You might wan to get him a grandchild!! And you better pay Brett Riley!

    Later Mr. Kyle

    Your Humble President

    • kylebaxter
      February 25, 2009 at 10:35 pm

      Your kids are different, but they will either grow out of it, or make a great living with the circus. I’ve gotten good at spotting my father-in-law with his stare. As soon as he starts to turn his head to the side and squint, I avert my eyes, fall into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably. So far so good. Brett Riley has already received payment in the form of the opportunity to buy a one-of-a-kind Kyle Baxter Project t-shirt. He accepted.

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