Home > Everything Else > All of the Sudden, Uncool

All of the Sudden, Uncool

I woke up one morning (a Tuesday, I believe it was), and I looked in the mirror.  You can imagine how horrified I was when I realized that I was suddenly and irrevocably uncool.  I don’t know what happened, it all turned on me so fast.  I mean, when I went to bed, I was cool; when I woke up, I was an old man teetering on the edge of senility.

I know I’m getting old because my main source of exercise is flexing in front of the mirror.  Does this happen to any other guys out there?  Maybe I simply forgot what my body looked like at 18, but I always think to myself, “Looking good there, Stallion.  I still look like I’m in high school.  I had gray hair in high school, right?”  Despite my delusions, my body refuses to let me use it to run or perform any other physical activities.  In fact, my body has a funny little way of telling me I’m exerting myself too much: my head starts spinning, my heart races, and I fall over.  So funny, I’m laughing all the way to the emergency room.

Another realization I had just today is (deep breath): I am going to turn 25 this year.  25 is old to me.  Maybe I just never expected to live this long, but I feel different somehow.  Am I having my mid-life crisis?  I hope not, because that means I’ll be dead by 50.  Lord knows I don’t have any desire for a faster car, let alone a convertible.  Is there any car that is more a sign of speed and prestige than my 2001 Chevy Cavalier?  Maybe a station wagon or a minivan, just to name a couple.

I also do not like popular music anymore.  It all sounds like noise to me.  The lyrics are pointless, if not offensive.  The only CDs I have purchased in the past 3 years are all bands who were big in the mid-90s, and forced out one more album so they could put their kids through grad school.  I am so out of touch.

Slowly but surely, my preference of what I listen to in the car is changing.  Many times, instead of popping in a CD, I turn my radio on, always to a (gasp) AM station.  Most teenagers don’t even realize there is anything other than the sweet, full stereo sound of FM.  They do not understand the simplicity and joy of AM, the perfect blend of treble and static.  Why is it that the news interests me more now than what’s happening in Britney Spears’ life?  (Not that I’ve heard anything, but I’ll bet she’s still throwing her life away.)  I am hooked on talk radio.  I can hear 5 different people throughout the day complain about the same items in the news, and still never tire of it.  I think they put something addictive in it to keep me listening like sucrose, saturated fat, or “Livin’ La Vida Loca”.

I can no longer put up with teenagers.  This new crop they’re growing are really setting a low bar for future generations when it comes to standardized test scores, intelligence, decision-making, and common sense.  I mean, you’d have to dig a hole halfway to China just to get the bar anywhere close.  It’s not that they are impulsive, disrespectful, or foolish.  They are, but that’s not my point right now.  They are just dumb.  I mean that in the most polite way possible.  And if you’re a teenager reading this, then I wasn’t talking about you.  I just don’t remember my contemporaries being this vacuous when we were 16.  I’m sure we were; my memory’s probably going.  They say that’s the third sign of getting older, right behind eyesight and fashion sense.

I like to think I still dress in a modern, yet modest, fashion.  I wear t-shirts and jeans the same as any young person out there.  The only difference being that I buy my clothes in my size.  Remember when us kids used to wear clothes that were baggy and relaxed fit (JNCO, I’m looking in your direction)?  How I wish we could go back to those simpler times!  This whole “really tight jeans” movement is really starting to throw me.  There are limits to how much denim can stretch, and I think we, as a society, are pushing them too far.  I hope tan jeans never become “in”, because then it’ll be hard to tell who’s wearing pants, and who just has pockets sewn into their butt.

The most frightening sign of my getting older is reading food labels.  I promise you, I was never this interested in how much fiber any food contains until this last year.  Never before had I asked myself in the grocery store, “Do I really need this much thiamine?”

Just because I can’t let a single post go by without a list, here are a few self-explanatory signs of my getting older:

–I know what “escrow” is

–U2 is my favorite band

–12-year-olds now beat me routinely at video games

–I’m able to calculate how much I’ll get out of Social Security ($0)

–I know more than 5mg of thiamine a day is too much

–Wait, so Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are the same person?!

I’m not the only one in this boat, right?  I’d like some feedback, if for no other reason than to help me sleep at night.  All this thaimine’s keeping me up.

  1. February 4, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    I am still trying to find out who this “Kyle Baxter” is but Paul I really love your bit about the skinny jeans and being out of touch. You are finally entering my world.

    • kylebaxter
      February 4, 2009 at 10:18 pm

      Mr. King,

      Your attire is timeless. Don’t change a thing.


      P.S. I have yet to ever see you in a turtleneck. I would like to see that soon.

  2. James Hartman
    February 4, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    I turn 30 this March. I’m there with you on all of this. Except maybe the idiot teens, its really more of idiot parenting.

    I really miss JNCO jeans. I used to be able to put a whole 2 Liter in my front pocket. Its no wonder i am looking for a good man bag.

    • kylebaxter
      February 4, 2009 at 10:19 pm

      I can totally see you in JNCOs, man. Really, a whole 2-liter? Wow. I am impressed. Whether a good impression or bad impression, I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you on that. ha

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