Home > Everything Else > The Environment (And Other Get-Rich-Quick Schemes)

The Environment (And Other Get-Rich-Quick Schemes)

Helping the environment (or “going green”) has recently become a very cool thing to do, like pregnancy and swing dancing.  Swing dancing is back in, right?  Anyway, I’m here to debunk all the myths about all the ways we are now “helping” the environment, and who is making money off of your well-intentioned self.

Disclaimer: I am no way taking any position concerning the environment.  I am all for recycling, wasting less, and not burning styrofoam plates for fun, like I did when I was a kid.  I am not arguing one way or the other whether global warming is man-made, or if there is global warming at all.  Please leave your political beliefs at the door, take a number from the attendant, and you can pick them up when you leave.  Thank you.

If you are health- or environment-conscious, you will be assailed by countless “green” advertisements on TV and in grocery stores.  They tell you, “Eat organic raisins, or watch your liver shrivel into a lump of haggis!” or, “Buy organic, unbleached paper towels, or your septic tank will explode!”  Don’t fall for it when they say, “Drink only milk without hormones, or large men with brass knuckles will break into the nursing home and severely bruise your grandmother!” or, “Use glass cleaner made with vinegar, or your children will join a rowdy street performance troupe.  Do you really want your children to be mimes?”

I will break this down in bullet points, so we can move quickly.  I will point out the fatal flaws in each of these “organic”, “recycled”, or otherwise inferior products:

Organic Fruit–The only difference between regular fruit and organic fruit is that the organic fruit is bruised beyond recognition.  (The price is also much higher.)  Basically, whenever a crate of bananas falls off a truck in Guatemala, the guy driving the truck says, “That’s organic now.  Throw it in the pile.”  The only good thing about organic fruit is that it’s already in smoothie form, so it’s great for bananas or strawberries.  Because there have been no pesticides used in the growing of the organic fruit, obvious “bug marks” are now visible to the naked eye.  That’s better for you?  I’m steering clear of the organic pears, just in case one might have an egg sac in it.  One minute you’re thinking, “I’ve got some wicked indigestion”, and the next, you have approximately 1,000,000,000,000,000 baby fruit flies coming out of every orifice.  No, thank you.

Waste-reducing Packaging–Every kind of company is jumping on the bandwagon.  I’ve seen bags (yes, bags) of hand soap refills touting, “77% less plastic used in this container!” because it’s not in a bottle.  After doing some shrewd price comparison, I realized they want to charge you a dollar more, even though it costs them less to make it.  They (those companies) believe you are stupid, and are trying to gain ridiculous amounts of money off of your kind gestures toward the environment.

Recycled cardboard–In every box of Cheerios, there is some amount of recycled cardboard.  “It looks just the same as it did before; how can I know?”, you’re asking me.  There is one sure-fire way to tell if the cardboard you are using is recycled or not.  Recycled cardboard:

–Falls apart easily when slightly damp
–Falls apart when touched by an infant
–Falls apart when it faces a stiff breeze
–Smells really funny, like musty old Cheerios

Recycled paper plates–I was shocked and appalled when I found out paper plates were being recycled (and that they actually cost more that plates made from saplings in the Amazon).  I don’t want to be eating a hamburger or plate of fresh organic strawberries, look down at my plate, and say, “Is that barbecue sauce?”  I only want to see what I’m eating now, not the last person’s meal.  I lean in to smell my delicious chili dog, and all I get a whiff of is old Cheerios?  This has gone too far!

The logical question is: What’s next?  Well, Mr. Smart Guy, I don’t know what’s next.  If I knew that, I would have marketed it already and made my millions off of well-meaning people like you who just want to do your part to help the world.  I am soon expecting that organic toilet paper will be obsolete.  Perhaps in the near future, we will see a surge in the market for recycled toilet paper!  I’m just thinking inside the box here, and taking what we already have a step further.  When you see it on the market, you can call those companies and tell them to send me briefcases full of U.S. currency, no bills larger than 20s, because I thought of it first.

Spring-source bottled water is all the rage right now (because spending $4 a bottle for overseas tap water is “the rage”).  People will not drink water unless some Bolivian boy has held the plastic bottle in a spring-fed waterfall for that “from the source” flavor (which, coincidentally, is dirt and tadpoles).  One thing is for sure; I’ll know we’ve gone too far when we get to recycling water.  That’s right, folks.  Bottled urine.  I can imagine the advertisements will read something like, “Straight from the source!”, or “Fresh from Hot Springs, Arkansas” (no pun intended).  I’m certain the focus groups for this product would not fare well.  I’m sure someone would quit caring about the planet and complain, “That tastes horrible!  Is that barbecue sauce?”

I (for one) am sick of it!  From this day forward, it will be my personal quest to design, market, and sell a line of products that is horrible for the environment and the consumer, just to teach all of you a lesson.  I’m going to bounce a few ideas off of you here:

–Every kind of cereal (Ozone-Os and Inorganic Flakes) packaged in fresh cardboard made entirely of non-renewable petrified wood

–A therapeutic line of pillows stuffed with the softest of California condor feathers

–A brand of potato chips (fried in trans fats) bagged exclusively with baby seal skins

–Cows so shot full of antibiotics and hormones that your voice will drop and octave.  Guaranteed!

–Fruit sprayed with so much pesticide that you can carry an apple with you into the deep woods with no fear of bodily harm from mosquitoes or Bigfoot

I’m burned out from this rant.  If you need me, I’ll be on a mountain burning styrofoam plates and hairspray.  I won’t let some pushy ozone layer tell me what to do.

  1. Ashley
    January 27, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    wow paul, that’s quite the tangent! don’t they already make recycled toilet paper though? it’s in a green (of course) wrapper. maybe it’s just environmentally safe to use while camping. idk 🙂

  2. kylebaxter
    April 20, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    By “recycled toilet paper”, I mean toilet paper that’s turned into more toilet paper. I’m pretty sure that toilet paper is made of other recycled paper. Oh, the stench would be awful.

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