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Public Restroomania

Why does everyone wait until they have explosive diarrhea to use a public restroom?  I’m not just saying this for shock value, I swear.  You must believe me.

Worse yet, why do they wait until I’m using the public restroom to come in and do their unholy business?  It absolutely never fails: I’m there, just hoping for a little quiet time, and in comes some unwashed cretin (well, at least his shoes look to be unwashed; I can’t see any other part of him) comes to my peaceful sanctuary to have his colonic emancipation.

If I have any choice in the matter, I will be choosy about which restroom I use.  For instance, in college, every building had several bathrooms on each floor.  No two bathrooms are created equal.  Men probably grasp this concept better than women.  From how I understand it, women will actually hold conversations between stalls.  This is what some experts call “wrong in every way imaginable”.  It violates every belief I hold dear, as they pertain to bathrooms.

Men are with me on this, though.  Put yourself in my shoes and see if you wouldn’t do the same thing.  These are the 8 facts we know:

1. You are in college.
2. You are in a building on campus.
3. You have to use the restroom in a sit-down kind of way.
4. It is a non-emergency.
5. There are two bathrooms located on the same floor as you.
6. One bathroom is just around the corner, but it is very busy with many people in and out.
7. The other bathroom is about 300 feet away, “off the beaten path”.  It is a tranquil place.
8. The bathrooms are the same size, say 2 urinals and 2 stalls (including 1 handicap stall)

What do you do, guys?  You’d do exactly what I do.  Take the long walk to a serene slice of lavatory paradise.  Like I said, though, the two bathrooms may be identical is size and layout, but they are NOT the same.  Can I please get some feedback on this?  Does anyone else prefer a quiet public bathroom?  Or is it, “Hey, a toilet is a toilet.  I don’t care if there’s fireworks going off while a yak gives birth in the sink.  I’m in, I go, I’m out.”?

I don’t know about you, but I also go into defensive mode as soon as I get into the bathroom.  If it’s just me in there, I go straight for the handicap stall.  You get a coat hook on the back of the door, and the legroom goes on for days.  I would be able to lay down on the floor, outstretched, if it weren’t for all the flesh-eating bacteria and viruses that “never really go away“.  (If you can make it 15 seconds, you’ll recognize it, and you’ll thank me.  It gets old after about 30 seconds, I warn you now.)

Oh yes, the defensive position.  Like I said, in a 2-urinal, 2-stall setup, you want to end up in the handicap stall.  Even if someone does come in to lighten the load, being a man, he will turn around and walk out, because the good stall is taken.  No one wants to get stuck with the skinny stall where their elbows almost touch the divider walls on either side, exposing them to Sharpie graffiti smudging.  You’ll have the whole place to yourself.  Nice and quiet.

Now, your best Sharpie graffiti is in the form of a conversation.  Let me give you a little demonstration.  Again, ladies, I feel like I’m leaving you out here, but guys really know what I’m talking about.

Day 1: Dennis smells like FARTS!!!

Day 2: Ryan
Dennis smells like FARTS!!!

Day 3: Ryan
Dennis smells like FARTS!!! <—U guys r both dum

Day 4: Ryan
Dennis smells like FARTS!!! <—U guys r both dum <–Learn to spell, stoopid!

And so on.  Though there is animosity between these two individuals (namely Ryan and Dennis), a third party has come to resolve the conflict, but not without drawing fire himself.  What relevant social commentary.  Or not.

Don’t worry; I am also still trying to find out exactly what my point is here, too.  I guess I don’t really have an ending.  There is no ending, I suppose, to the cosmic ballet that is life and/or public bathrooms.

Congratulations, you just read over 700 words about public bathrooms.  Your mother would be proud.

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