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Travel Tips for Complete Morons

If you are an idiot, (and I assume you are, because you’re still reading this even after I insulted you) then you could stand to learn from the travel tips this post has to offer!

I know what you’re thinking!  “What can this handsome genius of a blogger teach me about travel?  I have an 8th grade education, and it’s served me well so far!”  If you pay close attention, you may yet learn something valuable about efficient travel.  I’ll even keep it at a 7th grade reading level, just in case.  To save you time, I’ve put the energy into compiling a list of the precise questions you would ask me about travel.

“When is the least expensive time to travel?”–Great question!  Brilliant, in fact.  Obviously, the most expensive times to travel are around holidays and most weekends.  Not to mention, daytime flights usually cost more than “red eye” flights.  So, as a consumer, you must find the exact moment when you are furthest from the weekend or any Judeo-Christian holidays.  Personally, I recommend traveling on Wednesday, June 19th between the hours of 3:00 am and 3:02 am.  It goes without saying that these time estimates are only accurate on the East Coast during a leap year when headed across the International Date Line.  Otherwise, it gets a little complicated.

“Gosh, you’ve made it so simple to understand!  Your wife is a lucky woman!  Oh yes, and what are some great destinations?”–I actually don’t like to travel, or even watch the Travel Channel.  I won’t even watch The Weather Channel, because of all the large, imposing maps everywhere.  They remind me of how big the world is.  It scares me.  However, based on recommendations from globe-hopping colleagues (me throwing darts at a world map), the best travel destinations are (in order of dart throws) definitely the countries of Germany, Russia, Mexico, the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Rand-McNally, France, and the lamp in my office.  You can visit my lamp any time you’d like, but if you really want to get in cheap, come and see me between 3:00 am and 3:02 am on June 19th.  Knock loudly and scream, “I am not a burglar!”

“I will knock loudly.  Will I need to spend literally DOZENS of dollars on bi-lingual dictionaries?”–Absolutely not!  You’d be (as the title suggests) a complete moron (more so) to purchase any dictionaries at all.  In any country, regardless of the native language, a savvy traveler can function perfectly well with only a handful of phrases.

“You are so much smarter than me.  Can you please demonstrate your superior intellect through examples of foreign language phrases?”–I’d be more than happy to oblige!  Remember: if you were to go to a foreign country armed only with the phrases I am about to provide, you would be able to enjoy a long, trouble-free vacation.  Feel free to print this out and take it on your next trip.  I’m offering it at no charge.  I’ll go ahead and give you all the phrases you’ll ever need for a few of the aforementioned “best destinations”.

Germany–Official Language: German

German: Wo ist das Badezimmer?
English: Where is the bathroom?

German: Können Sie mich auf die nächste Gaststätte zeigen?
English: Can you point me to the nearest restaurant?

German: Kellner, gibt es einen Schnurrbart in meiner Bratwurst.
English: Waiter, there is a mustache in my bratwurst.

German: Dieser Schnurrbart ist noch in der Mitte rosafarben.  Senden Sie es bitte zurück zu der Küche.
English: This mustache is still pink in the middle.  Please send it back to the kitchen.

German: So sind Sie übel der Kerle noch?
English: So, are you guys still evil?

German: Ihre Sprache ist schön.
English: Your language is beautiful.

German: Ihre Landgeruche intensiv des Kohls.
English: Your country smells intensely of cabbage.

Russia–Official Language: Russian

Russian: Где туалет?
English: Where is the toilet?

Russian: Этим отверстием в поле БУДЕТ туалет??
English: This hole in the floor IS the toilet?

Russian: Вы должны ягниться!
English: You must be kidding!

Russia: Как та вся вещь «коммунизма» разработала для вас?
English: How did that whole “communism” thing work out for you?

Russian: Т смотрит как мертвое тело.
English: That looks to be a dead body.

Russian: Ваши женщины смешоно большие.  Медведи подобия.
English: Your women are ridiculously large.  Like bears.

Russian: Ваши запахи водочки любят формальдегид.
English: Your vodka smells like formaldehyde.

Russian: Что ванта все еще не двигает.  Он реально мертв, не он?
English: That guy still isn’t moving.  He really is dead, isn’t he?

Mexico–Official Language: Spanish

Spanish: ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño?
English: Where is the bathroom?

Spanish: Quisiera algo de su alimento mexicano auténtico, por favor.
English: I would like some of your authentic Mexican food, please.

Spanish: ¿En el segundo pensamiento, dónde es el taco más cercano campana?
English: On second thought, where is the nearest Taco Bell?

Spanish: ¡Venido rápidamente!  ¡He visto la cara de la Virgen bendecida aparecer en una viruta de la tortilla!
English: Come quickly!  I have seen the Blessed Virgin’s face appear on a tortilla chip!

Spanish: ¡Ha ha!  ¡Usted no puede trampearme en comer el llantén!
English: Ha ha!  You cannot trick me into eating plantain!

Spanish: Este cristal de agua está marrón y nublado.
English: This glass of water is brown and cloudy.

Spanish: ¿Usted tiene caramelo que no pruebe como las anchoas?
English: Do you have any candy that DOESN’T taste like anchovies?

France–Official Language: Rudeness

French: Que l’estacade à claire-voie est-elle un bidet ?
English: What the heck is a bidet?

French: Je jure qu’il a ressemblé à un urinoir.  Je fais des excuses.
English: I swear it looked like a urinal.  I apologize.

French: Veuillez me remettre le jet désinfectant et quelques serviettes de papier, et nous oublierons que ceci s’est jamais produite.
English: Please hand me the disinfectant spray and some paper towels, and we’ll forget this ever happened.

French: Votre Tour d’Eiffel me rappelle quelque chose que j’ai faite en tant qu’enfant avec K’Nex.
English: Your Eiffel Tower reminds me of something I made as a kid with K’Nex.

France: Ceci semble délicieux !  Attente.  Sont-ils ces escargots ?
English: This looks delicious!  Wait.  Are these snails?

French: Combien de temps est-ce que c’ont été morts ?
English: How long have these been dead?

French: Ma nourriture rampe outre de mon plat et fait un tiret fou pour la liberté douce.
English: My food is crawling off my plate and is making a mad dash for sweet freedom.

French: chèque, svp.
English: Check, please.

French: Si je te donne un rasoir, raseriez-vous svp vos cheveux d’aisselle, Madame ?
English: If I donated a razor to you, would you please shave your armpit hair, ma’am?

Go and travel with the peace of mind that comes with being fully prepared for any situation!  No need to thank me, but if you must, make all checks payable to “Kyle Baxter Relief Fund”.  Bring it by on June 19th.

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