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The Voodoo That You Do

As a part of my employment, I receive many fringe benefits, like insurance, vacation, and a salary.  The best kind of insurance I receive is “long-term disability”.  For instance, if I am walking down the street, and a hobo accidentally stabs me 6 times in the back, and I survive (but am not able to work for a long while), I will receive 80% of my salary for the foreseeable future.  I’m in the middle of re-writing my monthly budget right now so I can survive on 80% of my income.  Then, I plan on accidentally throwing a hammer up in the air and letting it fall on my face.

Actually, now that I see the words on the screen, it doesn’t sound like such a good idea.  Better yet, I’ll just get morbidly obese until I can’t work any more, and simply sit at home, sipping iced tea, letting the checks roll in.  I just have to remember to budget in paying a neighbor child to get the mail for me while I lay on my couch and sweat.  While the checks just roll in.  Assuming, of course, that the neighbor child isn’t on vacation.  Otherwise, no one will be able to get the checks for me out of the mailbox.  (Disclaimer: I am not really going to commit insurance fraud.)

Speaking of morbid obesity, if I ever decided to take up voodoo, I’d only use my voodoo for good.  For instance, instead of using my voodoo needles to give you shoulder pain or hemorrhoids, I would give you acupuncture.  If you were really nice to me, I might even give your doll a nice bubble bath or back rub.  The only people whose dolls I would put in my toaster are those who would make fun of me for having a doll collection.  Maybe that’s why all those shamans are always mean to people.  They just wanted to collect Barbies like everyone else, but some jackanapes had to go and call them “sissies“.  (Disclaimer: I am not really going to take up voodoo.)

Okay, so the $64,000 question for today is: If you could have one, and only one, super power, what would it be?

DO NOT SAY FLYING.  Wrong answer.  Take it back.  Start over.  I’ll pretend I was looking the other way when you said that.  Flying is worthless without invincibility.  You only get one power, remember?  What happens if you’re flying in too fast, come in for a landing, and break both of your legs?  Or what if you’re just flying along, minding your own business …WHOOSH!… sucked into a jet engine.  Game over.

I have several individual powers picked out, thank you for asking.  They are, in a particular order:

1. Be able to switch other people’s genders at my bidding.  I know it would get old, but how much fun would that be the first week?  “Happy birthday, Mom!  I mean, Dad.  Oops, Mom again.  Oh sorry, Dad!  Mom.”  Hilarious.

2. I ask only for the authority to decide who may or may not have children.  Don’t think you can get away with careless procreation forever.

3. A little control of the weather would be nice.  Not all of the weather, mind you.  I wouldn’t want to be responsible for creating a drought or an El Niño.  Maybe just lightning.  I could get away with a whole lot if I had lightning.  According to my insurance policy, lightning is considered an “Act of God”.  No one’s going to question an Act of God.

4. Most of all, I would want to get one “do over” in any situation.  I’d get one more chance to do something if I didn’t like the way it went the first time.  I’d be a superhero for sure!  I’d call myself “Mulligan”.  I’d wear a kilt, carry golf clubs, and speak with a thick Scottish brogue.  (Disclaimer: I am not really going to get my choice of super power.)

Wouldn’t it be an awful superpower to be able to grow really obese at will?  When would that come in handy?  I guess if a dam breaks, they could airlift you in, drop you into the crack, and you would be able to seal it until the proper resources could be utilized.  Actually, if I had the power to be really obese, I’d probably just use it to get 80% of my salary.

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