Home > Everything Else > A Million Kinds of Blind (and the Perfume Nazi)

A Million Kinds of Blind (and the Perfume Nazi)

I was thinking to myself a few days ago about all the major political and socioeconomic issues in the world, and the first thing that came to me was: blindness.  Back in my day, we only had one kind of blindness, which is known today by the medical term “blindness”.  In the past 20 years, all sorts of other blindnesses have stolen the spotlight from blind people.  Not that they’d notice, right?  I’m getting off on the wrong foot here.  Back to the topic at hand.

When the heck did there become something called “color blindness“?  (If you’re not color blind, then the pictures reveal a really filthy joke; if you’re color blind, you’ll just see numbers.) When did that become a legitimate handicap?  I’ve never discriminated others based on color blindness, except for a few hundred times.  It’s usually something harmless, like, “Watch out for that guy.  He can’t tell green from blue!”  I think it’s something the drug manufacturers (large corporations) made up so they could invent a drug to combat it.  There is a cure for color blindness, isn’t there?  It’s like when drug manufacturers (that guy who hangs out on the same street corner every day, and runs inside a pawn shop every time a police care drives by) created that drug so you could see sound or smell colors.

What other kinds of blindness will they think of next?  One that immediately came to mind (and don’t you dare steal my idea; I’ll make millions for inventing the cure) was food blindness.  Can you imagine how tough that would be on your family to have that disability?

Man (Archibald): Ewww!  What’s in this?  It tastes like rancid bacon smothered in battery acid!

Woman (Gretta): Archie honey, those are onions.

Archibald: I don’t see any.

Gretta: They’re right there.  All through it, for crying out loud!  It’s onion soup!

Archibald: Why didn’t you tell me?  You know I’m onion blind!

Gretta: I’m sorry, I forgot.  No big deal . . . we’ll just have the waiter bring out the chicken noodle soup.

Archibald: I want a divorce.

Food blindness is truly a debilitating handicap.  If you have any loved ones who suffer from this rare, but serious, condition, please have them call me, then stuff an envelope full of money and leave it in my mailbox.

What is it about the Wal-Mart perfume case that has them guarding it like the Crown Jewels?  Or at least the family jewels.  (Couldn’t help myself on that one.)  Do not go there for fragrance, lest you run into the Perfume Nazi.  I know this from personal experience.  I went to Wal-Mart

(WAIT!  Before I finish that very sentence, I realized they ought to call it “Where’s Waldo-Mart”, (hint: he’s in the spaceship behind the turtle) because God help me if I ever need to find anything there without a map and 3 strapping Sherpas packed with 150 pounds of supplies.  Each.  I spent 30 minutes just looking for an electric can opener.  You’d think it would be by the appliances or the manual can openers.  Oh no, not at Waldo-Mart.  They put everything in the least logical place they possibly can.  It’s like they hold meetings every morning:

Ray: “Word’s just come straight from Bentonville that we need to move the electric can openers from appliances to the Shoe Department.  Anybody have any comments?”

Joe Bob: “I disagree with that, Ray.  It sounds really far away from the appliance section.  Just not far enough.  I motion that we put the electric can openers behind the store in a crate marked ‘Danger: Poisonous Spider Snake Robots’.”

Jim Jake: “I second that.”

Ray: “All those in favor, say aye.”

All: “AYE.”

Ray: “All opposed? . . . the ayes have it.”

Truth be told, the electric can opener I bought was right next to the other appliances.  Someone showed me right where it was.  Turns out I’m can opener blind.  Now back to the story.)

to buy some perfume for my wife as a last minute Christmas item.  I’ve done it before, and expected to easily do so again.  I walked briskly in the entrance of my local Supercenter, and proceeded 6.1 miles due west to the fragrance aisle.  As I expected, the case containing all the perfume was locked.  I understand that they need to protect all the countless bottles of expensive perfume like Burberry’s”Brit”, Elizabeth Taylor’s “White Diamonds”, and Equate’s “Timmy Hallfinger” from being stolen.

I found the nearest “associate” (do they still call everyone “associates”?  Is that gender-neutral enough?) to ask for someone who had the keys to the perfume case.  In a thick Germanic accent, this “woman” (I’m assuming East German), she says, “I haf te kees for te case.”  She walks me over the the case, unlocks it, and says, “Which woult you like?”  So I casually answered, “I don’t know yet.  Do any of them have a scratch-and-sniff sticker so I can pick one?”  To that, she replies, “Fery few of tem haf scratch and sniff stickers.”  I pointed at one that did, in fact, have a scratch-and-sniff sticker, and said, “Can I smell that one?”  Without a word, she reaches in, pulls out the box, then (and I kid you not) SCRATCHES THE STICKER FOR ME, and hands it to me.  I smelled it, shook my head, and handed it back.  She put it back in the case, and stared angrily at me during what can only be described as the single longest amount of time, or so it felt (actual elapsed time: 2 seconds).  I politely said, “Never mind, thank you,” and walked away without a bottle of perfume.

Come to think of it, all the boxes had scratch-and-sniff stickers on them.  What, is she blind or something?

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  1. Phil
    January 4, 2009 at 12:40 am

    I couldn’t find Waldo…or the spaceship…or the turtle… I always feel a little sad when I can’t find Waldo in those little puzzles. I did notice some of the crazy activities going on in the picture. Like the little boys at the shooting gallery with a cannon and a torch getting ready to win the grand prize and the naked guy on the pogo stick. Great post as always. Keep ’em coming. Oh and the happier, more family friendly intro video is still quite creepy. Although I think the old video made you look more like Two-Face than it made you look like the Joker. I am proud of you for taking a stand against fragrance cabinet Naziism.

    • kylebaxter
      January 5, 2009 at 7:03 pm

      haha, it’s really hard to find him in that one. It’s not the best quality. I don’t even want to imagine what it would be like to see a naked man on a pogo stick. Lots of bouncing, I think, if I can say that without being mildly offensive.
      I’m a lonely voice in the fight against every kind of Nazism, in all its forms, including cabinetry.
      Great thoughtful comment!

  2. January 6, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Maybe the cabinet contains closely guarded state secrets? Or worse, Sam Walton’s dirty laundry…either way, it appears their defenses are holding.

    • kylebaxter
      January 6, 2009 at 1:22 am

      Sam Walton’s dirty laundry, eh? Puritan brand slacks and a musty denim shirt. Sounds like Wal-Mart to me.
      The cabinet containing closely guarded state secrets, eh? Maybe that’s just what “they” want you to think. By my estimation, the cabinet does not contain anything of real value, but the cabinet itself is the key to everlasting life. “They” know, and “they” fill the Cabinet of Youth with meaningless fragrances in order that we would be none the wiser. So if we broke in and stole all the perfume in the store, “they” would still be happy that their truly prized possession remained intact, except for the broken lock, of course.

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