Home > Most Everything > Homeschooling, Part 2 (Or, Thoughts are Just Your Brain Talking)

Homeschooling, Part 2 (Or, Thoughts are Just Your Brain Talking)

What is it about snow storms, tornado warnings, and flash flood warnings that make people say to themselves, “I should really go to the grocery store right now, before all the food in the world disappears in the next 18 hours”?  As many of you know, I am a member of upper-lower-middle management at a local grocery store.  Seasons in and seasons out, I see the lengths to which society will go to make sure they have soy sauce and the latest issue of People Magazine.  What goes through a person’s head before they decide to risk their life for pre-packaged foodstuff?  Perhaps:

“Man, it sure is cold and dangerous out there.  Glad I don’t have to be out in that.  Let me just check the fridge to make sure I have enough food to survive the night.  Bread?  Check.  Hot dogs?  Check.  Chex?  Check.  Diet Coke?  Check.  Soy sauce?  Wait.  Something’s wrong here.  Soy sauce???  OH NO!  I have to have it now, now, now.  Where are my keys?  What about the weather?  Forget the weather!  I NEED BROWN SALTY LIQUID!  But I might die on the road.  I’d rather die than live without flavoring for my rice!  But you have plenty of food right here to last until the plows have had time to clean the streets.  I can feel my sodium levels dropping!  I demand satiety!”

Is it temporary insanity?  Is it the rebellion that sits inside of every American that tells them to do exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do (i.e., “Stay inside your home or risk decapitation on the icy roads”)?  Is it some over-arcing government conspiracy, similar to the cover-up wherein the government (at the highest levels) is suppressing knowledge about alien activity (the aliens visited earth just long enough to release light-years worth of waste and garbage, which we now know as Scientology)?  All signs point to maybe!

Don’t simply laugh and dismiss this!  You, too, are guilty!  You know how tempting it is to defy fate by taking a short trip to Wal-Mart to get a pack of your favorite gum as the tornado sirens are blowing.  Is it that the gum tastes just a little mintier when seasoned with danger?

Sorry I went off on that little tangent.  I had to release a few roaming thoughts before they started a street gang and painted the inside of my ears with profanity-laced graffiti.

What was I going to say?  Oh, yes.  Homeschoolers!  What an odd lot they are.  It’s really a vicious circle.  Crazy homeschool moms raise weird homeschool children as the passive homeschool dads sit by and let the kids turn out more odd than a prime number.  See what homeschooling has done to me???  Math jokes.  I hope you’re happy, Mom.  I suppose I should tackle homeschoolers one group at a time.

Homeschool Moms: They are the most well-intentioned group of nuts I have ever met.  I think people would probably take these women more seriously if they did not wear sweatshirts with iron-on cats all over them or the dreaded “Mom Jeans” (this is SO worth the wait).  I know that without their constant harping, we would not have the options in this country for home education that we have.

Maybe someone else who homeschooled can back me up on this.  When a bunch of homeschooled kids are hanging out at some church-sanctioned function (like a formal brunch or separate proms for guys and girls), any homeschool mom will treat any child as if he or she is her own.  Especially with the scoldings.  I have been lectured by many a random homeschool mom, about everything from bad behavior to personal hygiene.  Anytime one of these ladies gets a chance to henpeck, henpeck they shall!

Were it not for their fear of the outside world, we would not have the freedoms we now enjoy, like home-based Christian education and the ability to count a visit to your grandparents’ house as a “history field trip”.  There’s nothing like your mother making you read your Bible every night for reading credit to make you dislike both reading and the Bible.  (I have since renewed my interest in the Bible, so put your stones down.)

In fact, when you are homeschooled, everything you do is for credit.  A truly devoted homeschool mom will be able to suck all the fun out of and inject learning into anything.  Even if she doesn’t change anything you do, just knowing you’re doing anything for school credit kills the joy of it.

–Going to the park: Science, because you will see animals, plants, minerals, etc.

–Grocery shopping: Math, because my mom will make me carry around a calculator and add up what she’s buying.

–Cleaning the litter box: Home Economics, because cleaning up after another living creature is an important life skill.

–Brushing your teeth: P.E. and/or Reading, because of the calories burned during the “brushing” motion (make sure to check your pulse before and after), and because while putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, I may or may not have read “Aquafresh” on the bottle.

Probably the craziest thing a homeschool mom ever dreamed up was a homeschool “prom”.  Of course, no one was allowed to bring a date.  Everyone just showed up separately and hung out in an effort to discourage “pairing off”.  For this one night every year, homeschool moms actually let their daughters wear makeup.  There may have been some soft Michael W. Smith music playing in the background, but of course, everyone was forbidden to dance.  From what I gather, everyone stands around like a goon with a glass of punch in their hand, swaying side to side uncomfortably.  Just imagine it; it’s like a middle school social for teenagers.

Homeschool Dads: Every last one of these men should receive a Purple Heart.  I’ve never seen such a group of passive, henpecked men.  They dutifully serve the daily purpose of providing for the family while staying the heck out of the way of homeschool moms.  They might as well wear a shirt that says “yes, dear” around the house (and to all the graduation meetings, for sure).

In the rare occasion that the homeschool dad has an integral part in his sons’ lives, it is usually a negative net impact.  He will typically pass along his love of Star Trek and dragon figurines.  The result is a pock-marked young man with a greasy ponytail and over-sized wire-rimmed glasses.  Go ahead.  Try to tell me I’m wrong.  If you weren’t one, you knew one.

Homeschool Sons: These poor young men have absolutely no positive role models in their lives.  There are a few who take up homeschool sports to try and make a name for themselves.  Unfortunately for them, being the best at homeschool basketball is about as prestigious as being better than your friends at Guitar Hero.  Sure, you may be the greatest, but what did you really accomplish?

The rest of them aspire to even less glamorous things, like chess, juggling, or being obese.  It took me this long to fit in the word “obese”.  I can’t believe it took me this long to find the perfect spot for it.  Sorry, but I have to bask in my humor for one second.  Ahhhhhh, there we go.

I can’t tell you exactly what else they were into, because I refused at an early age to ever associate myself with homeschoolers.  Most of that is because they smell funny, though.

As a homeschooled son, I am actually thankful for my lack of training in the social arts.  It gave me many, many, MANY years to develop a healthy personality.  Apparently, it has also fueled my craving for validation through the opinions of others as I desperately solicit people to read every last word I have typed into my lonely, sheltered computer.  But enough about me; let’s move on to homeschool daughters.

Homeschool Daughters: There is a reason why makeup exists.  Sadly, every homeschool daughter realizes this, yet gives up when confronted by her overbearing mother.  Until she reaches college age, almost every homeschool daughter will look like an Amish schoolgirl, except with a bolder floral pattern on her bonnet.

I don’t know if this has been a trend all along, but at my “graduation”, about half of the graduating gals were planning on going to school to be massage therapists.  I only WISH that was a joke.  Since I never hung out with them either, I wonder if any of them reached their lofty goal of massage therapy.  I would imagine that even if the massage school had accepted a homeschool “diploma” (already discredited as folklore), the experience was less like this, and more often like this.  Because of this poor career decision, I imagine these women will give up, settle for marrying a weak pushover man (a “homeschool dad”), have several babies, and decide to homeschool them.  This completes the vicious cycle.  Rinse and repeat.

THE END

This concludes our journey through homeschooling.  Please exit to the inside of your row, and throw your trash in the designated receptacles on your way out.

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  1. A. Owen
    December 10, 2008 at 12:06 am

    There is nothing like a home schooled message therapist girl (unless you mention one that can beat out her friends on Guitar Hero to achieve an even more important goal in life). what drives home schooled girls towards massage therapy? Could it possibly be the fact that a message therapist could open their own business within their homes so that they can then home school their children while maintaining their job? I guess this instance is similar to how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop®, the world will never know. About the mad rush into grocery stores while a blizzard runs through the town: I remember those days in the grocery store when gallons of water were sold like hot cakes just because people realize that the world may come to an end based on weather patterns. One might say to themselves, “Well, it’s snowing harder than ever right now. I might as well risk my life just in case my life comes into greater risks in the future.” That is awesome thinking by humans because everyone knows that the water lines may freeze over or Heaven forbid the world’s water supply is cut off for the night! Thanks for the post!

    • kylebaxter
      December 10, 2008 at 12:19 am

      You, sir, are welcome! I’m glad that I have touched on experiences that more people than just me have had. You are so kind!

  2. December 10, 2008 at 8:19 am

    When on earth do you find the time to write all of this? I’m jealous, lol

    • kylebaxter
      December 10, 2008 at 8:52 am

      I take it from “Time Pile A”, which is time with my wife, and move all of it directly over to “Time Pile B”, blog time. It’s win-win.

  3. December 10, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    HA!

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