Home > Most Everything > The Clothes Make the Man (And More Fun Facts)

The Clothes Make the Man (And More Fun Facts)

In my countless hours of reading fashion magazines, I have found that they all come to a common conclusion: your clothes say a lot about who you are.  I, therefore, went through my clothing to see what was being said about me.  I’d hate to think my clothes were talking about me behind my back.  We’re pretty close, or so I thought.  Maybe I’ll just get some new clothes if the ones I have now won’t be honest with me.  Maybe I’ll just go naked.  I don’t need any back-stabbing, conniving, self-righteous pants in my life.  I survived without them before, and I can do it again.

I digress.  Yesterday, I decided to test this theory to see if my clothes are telling who I am.  The tag in my newest pairs of jeans reads “Slim Straight”.  Well, that’s right on the money!  I am both slim and straight!  My bathroom scale can attest to the slim part, and my wife can attest to . . . you get the idea.  As I was feeling a bit flu-ish yesterday, I was relieved to see a shirt in my wardrobe that says “Hurley” right on the front.  I said to myself, “Self, I am feeling a little Hurley!”  Then I rushed to the bathroom to drive the big white bus.

So far, this has been really accurate.  Since I wear my work shirts five days a week, I wanted to know what I was saying to the world when I was all dressed up.  They all had a few things in common, which must be the message to the world.  My work shirts and I are all:

–White

–Classy

–Clean

–Great-looking with a tie

–Lightly starched

–Cotton-poly blend

So, the theory holds true, as far as I can tell.  Just for giggles, here are a few more fun facts:

–Every 12 seconds, a Beluga whale is ridiculed for its outlandish name.

–Britney Spears exists only because you believe she exists.  Perhaps if we ignore her, she will go away.

Nerf guns account for 170,000 deaths a year in the U.S., and the average household couch has 2.3 pounds of Nerf ammo behind it.

–Though cellular telephones emit a very small amount of radiation, this radiation will not give you telepathy, telekinesis, or the answers while watching Jeopardy.

–Speaking of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to his mustache size.

–“Twilight” readers are 53% more likely to be found with bite marks on their necks.

–On a related note, “Twilight” readers are also 53% more likely to be illiterate, and only having the book in hand because of the “pretty picture on the cover“.

–MTV now contains 8% music and 92% people trying to get on TV.

–Cats LOVE sour cream.

–When an ugly man marries an attractive woman, it is achieved through the scientific principle known as “Money”.

–Chinese people, when given the choice, prefer Mexican food.

–“America’s Funniest Home Videos” has gotten significantly less funny in the past few years.

–If you kill Pat Sajak, he comes back to life stronger and younger than before.

–Babies are the most stupid people on Earth.  They don’t know anything, so don’t believe what they tell you.

–Though Darth Vader really is Luke Skywalker’s father, he owes 2.9 million credits in back child support.

–If you eat right and excercise, your corpse will appear much prettier in your casket.

–In peewee football, you are awarded 6 points for a touchdown.  Conversely, you are only awarded 2 points for catching a pass, then stopping to wave at your parents.

–If you have a blog, and run out of things to say, you can include a list of things you made up, and people will still read it.

Next time you hear from me, I will fill you in on my harrowing experience at the dentist’s office!

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  1. James Hartman
    December 2, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    http://www.areasofmyexpertise.com/
    You too may enjoy a wonderful little book by Mr. PC, John Hodgeman “The area of My Expertise”, a wonderful collection of made up trivia including, but not limited to: 700 hobo names, numerous charts and graphs on the moon phases of various lupine, and if you choose the audio book a song about the furry old lobsters.

  2. December 3, 2008 at 8:48 am

    But what happens if you kill Alex Trebek?

    • kylebaxter
      December 7, 2008 at 4:46 pm

      If you kill Alex Trebek, his body will disintegrate, and his exact duplicate will roll off the assembly line in a matter of seconds.

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