Home > Most Everything > Parental Guidance Suggested

Parental Guidance Suggested

(I’m trying not to get hyperlink-happy, but I found a few that really fit.  Check them out.  They are worth the extra few seconds.  Enjoy!)

Of all things in life, I fear being a parent the most.  It’s not the responsibility or the rest-of-your-life change.  What scares me the very most about it happens right before the “becoming a dad” thing happens.  It’s the delivery room.  That has to be about the most gruesome sight in the world.  Even the magic of the Discovery Health Channel can’t make childbirth “beautiful”.  And that’s saying something (!) because the Discovery Channel can make a cheetah running down a baby gazelle and ripping out its adorable little throat look like a beautiful “circle of life” moment.

I may get lucky, though, when it comes to the delivery room.  My wife won’t even let me brush my teeth if she’s going to the bathroom, so I can’t imagine she will want me anywhere within 5 miles of her while she’s in “the stirrups“.  As soon as that water breaks, I’ll just drop her off in front of the hospital and say, “Love you, darling!  I’ll be at Buffalo Wild Wings for the next 2 to 30 hours.  Call me as soon as he starts crowning!”

First-time parents always make mention of how helpless caring for another life can make you feel.  With my active imagination, you can imagine how much worse it is for me.  Just off the top of my head, the questions that come to mind during the first week of having a new baby are:

–What age should I expect my child to walk?

–At what age is it okay to spank?

–Should I spank my newborn to get him used to it so it’s not a shock to him later on?

–Which end do I put the lasagna in?

–Which end should I expect said lasagna to come back out?

–If my child is crying, is a shock collar appropriate to get it to stop?

–Should I expect a visit from Family Services?

As my child grows up, am I going to be one of those parents who tries to live out all my unfulfilled dreams through my child?  I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams to make up for.  I was homeschooled, after all.  If my child were to make up for ALL the things I wish I would’ve accomplished by the time I reached adulthood, he would:

–Be good at sports

–Compose world-famous orchestral pieces

–Be a stand-up comedian

–Be an astronaut (spacewalk optional, but preferred)

–Perform with a traveling circus group

–Be handsome

That’s a lot to measure up to.

I was a kid long enough to know I should never trust my child.  If he says, “Can I take the car to meet up with some friends at the movie theater.  I’ll be back by 10”, I know he’s really saying, “Can I use the car to go to an undisclosed meeting place to purchase illegal narcotics?  You may never see me again.”  I fully understand that if my child says to me, “Can we get a puppy?  I promise I’ll feed it and walk it every day!”, he really means, “Dad, how would you like yet another mouth to feed, walk, and care for?  I’m just a kid.  I’ll say anything to get what I want!”  Finally, when my child says, “I don’t like carrots!  I want pizza!”, what he’s really saying is, “Give me rules and boundaries!  Please, oh please cram carrots in my mouth until I’m blue in the face!”

If I ever do have a child, I will do the best I can to protect them from all the evils in the world.  There’s 3 keys to raising a pure-hearted child.

1. Shelter

2. Shelter

3. Shelter

I will do everything in my power to make sure my child doesn’t even know the outside world exists.  The simplest way I can think to do that is to chain my child in the basement with Veggie Tales DVDs and sock puppets.  You think it’s irresponsible?  Then just call me Mr. Irresponsible!  Dangerous?  Ha!  I thrive on danger!  Illegal?  Okay.  Yes, it probably is.

  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: