Home > Most Everything > Dial “M” for Mold

Dial “M” for Mold

First, I want to make the distinction between a midget and a dwarf.  A dwarf is someone who is extremely short (under 4 foot, 10 inches), but also has disproportionate features.  Many times, the dwarf’s head is larger in proportion, and the arms and legs are smaller by proportion.  A midget is also someone extremely short (4’10”), but has normal body proportion.

My cat, Rocco, is a midget.

At first, I thought it was because my older, fatter, balder cat Louie was stealing Rocco’s food.  Since separating them during feeding time, I noticed Rocco finally started growing!  Recently, however, I have noticed no perceivable growth in Rocco.  Thus, his stunted growth (Midgetosis) is not caused by malnutrition.  That leaves me with a theory.  Oh, how I love theories.

Before I get to that, I must tell you that Rocco is also a very needy individual.  If you are in another room, he will suddenly and unexplainably realize he misses you.  He will thusly begin a howling meow until you come and rescue him from the dangers of sitting in the middle of the floor and doing nothing.  My wife thinks it’s just a cry for attention.  The only problem is, he can’t tell the difference between “good attention” and “bad attention”.  You probably knew kids like that when you were in school.  Remember that boy in second grade who always started fires?  Well, that was a cry for attention.  And what about the girl who stabbed other kids in the leg with pencils?  Another cry for attention.  Who could forget the little boy who would roll his eyes into the back of his head and try to swallow his tongue until he passed out and banged his head on the corner of the desk?  Actually, that may have just been epilepsy now I think about it.

I can’t even take a shower without him sitting right outside the shower curtain and crying until I flick water on him.  He’s become so bold now that he will peek his head into the shower curtain to say hello (and let a cold rush of air blow over my skin).  Recently, he’s begun to jump up on the ledge of the tub, between the shower curtain and the liner, and lick the liner from the outside.  Then he jumps in the tub after I get out, and he licks the water off the bottom of the tub.  That’s really disgusting because of the build-up of mold and assorted bacteria growing in my shower and liner.  Wait, I take that back.  Louie is not bald.

That brings me to my theory: licking orange mold stunts growth.  It’s completely plausible!  He stopped growing around the time he acquired the taste for mold.  It adds up in a big way.  Also consider: if you are a short person due to stunted growth (Midgetoxic Encephalopathy), did your parents ever allow you eat mold?  And if yes, did it taste good?  I only ask because my cat really digs it, but I can’t bring myself to lick the shower curtain.  Anyways, if the answer is no, did your mother ever lick shower curtains while she was pregnant with you?  You might want to call her just to be safe.

In addition to causing stunted growth (Midgetoid Thrombosis), it is also a highly addictive psychotropic drug.  My cat is hooked on M!  I mean, he really loves it.  The only side effect I’ve seen so far is that it causes schizophrenic paranoia.  He always tries to run outside when I open the front door.  If it is, in fact, a powerful psychedelic hallucinogen, I could be sitting on a gold mine!  I wonder what the street value of my shower curtain is on the black market.

The moral of this story is that you should never do drugs, even if it’s from the shower curtain of a neighbor you trust.  They cause paranoia and stunted growth (Midgetitis C).

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  1. November 11, 2008 at 3:41 am

    LOL This was pretty funny, your cat is a total druggie! 😉 & I would definitely avoid the drug usage.. besides it wouldn’t bother me if my growth was stunted, I don’t think I can get any taller!

  2. Chelsea
    November 11, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    Haha…that’s funny…where do you come up with this stuff?! I like your style of writing lol.

  3. kylebaxter
    November 12, 2008 at 1:18 am

    Hannah–
    I charge $5 per lick of mold. It might actually help you shrink, though it hasn’t been approved by the FDA for that purpose.

  4. kylebaxter
    November 12, 2008 at 1:20 am

    Chelsea–
    Thanks for the kind words! These ideas come to me anywhere: at work, in the shower (maybe that’s the mold talking), or right as I’m trying to get some sleep. This idea actually came to me right as I laid down to sleep. I had to get up, turn the light on, and find some paper to scribble my outline on. And now I’m glad I did!

  5. November 19, 2008 at 12:41 am

    OMG! We do NOT have MOLD in the shower!

    I laughed out loud at the “epilepsy” part and the part about Rocco crying because he’s “sitting in the floor doing nothing”.

    I love you!

  1. March 14, 2009 at 4:10 pm
  2. April 28, 2009 at 12:53 pm
  3. June 3, 2009 at 11:59 pm

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