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Louie: The Theory

(I had a wonderful post all planned out here where I would tell you a little about my cat, Louie, and show you a picture, then go to the funny stories.  It was boring me to tears, so I’m starting over.  I will go straight to the point.)

I like cats because they are so graceful and poised.  Except Louie.  I’ve seen my cat fall out of the same window five times because his belly is so big that he cannot balance with it pressed against the glass.  Now that I think about it, maybe he has an inner ear problem and is just doing his very best to stand up without falling over.

Nah, he’s just fat.

I think Louie is starting to get technically “obese”.  I fear for his health and well-being.  Every time I hear a loud noise, I have to find him immediately, worrying that his heart has exploded.  He is absolutely in love with food.  If food could scoop his litter box and scratch his belly, then Louie would not need me any more, and kill me in my sleep.  He would probably suffocate me by putting his rotund posterior (fat butt) on my nose and mouth (face).  Great cat, though.  A real charmer.

Seriously, this cat will sit by his food bowl and meow until you feed him, or else he will come find you and attempt to eat you.  One night, I looked him right in the eye and said, “You are getting too fat.  I am not going to feed you tonight, NO MATTER WHAT.”  As I turned the light off and headed upstairs, he jumped against my leg, all claws, and bit me on the thigh.  I looked right down at him with all the malice in the world and said, “Let’s go get you some food, my darling kitty.”  I didn’t want to wake up without a nose over a half-cup of cat food (it’s mostly snouts and hoofs from what I gather).

Okay, he won’t really bite off your nose if you don’t feed him right before bedtime.  Now, he will bite your toes until you get out of bed and feed him.  That I learned early on.  He’s the devil.  But his nose is cold and wet and cute, so I let him slide.

Louie’s so pushy when it comes to food that after eating his own bowlful, he will go over to Rocco’s (our other cat) bowl, push him out of the way, and scarf down the rest.  Until we caught on to this, Rocco wasn’t gaining any weight or getting any bigger for a couple of months after we first got him.  You could see his ribs and everything.  Louie was starving his adopted brother into emaciation!  He has a cold, hungry soul, bitter as the dark side of the moon.  But his fur is so smooth!  I just want to cuddle him!

Probably Louie’s worst habit is that he does not cover his “business” when he leaves the litter box.  Just leaves the steaming pile there on top of the sand, like a little decoration.  Thank God we have Rocco, who follows Louie to the litter box, and promptly covers up the indiscretion before it starts to stink too bad.  I’m glad one of our cats has a little bit of hygiene.

Oh, it gets worse.  After neglecting a Tootsie Roll in the sandbox, Louie will not, under any circumstance, lick his bum to clean it.  I have brown streaks on my sheets to prove it, people.

I told you all that to tell you this: I have a theory about why Louie falls out of windows, eats uncontrollably, bites toes, and walks away from a fresh poop without covering it or wiping.  Now, I mean this without any prejudice or insult.  I think my cat may be a college roommate stuck in a cat’s body.  This theory has the most support, mainly from my experiences being a college roommate.  Actually, looking back at myself as a roommate, I was just like Louie.  As a roommate:

-I ate everything in sight, regardless of whose food it was

-My roommate always had to go in after me and flush

-When hungry, I was known to chew on people’s toes

He must get all that from my side of the family.

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  1. November 10, 2008 at 2:11 am

    Absolutely hilarious! I think cats are little devils…I actually got a litte queasy when I got to the part about the ‘streaks’—That is the number 1 reason I don’t own a cute little kitty or a cute litte puppy….they drag thier butts, no thanks. I dig your love hate relationship with Louie. it would make a funny newpaper comic. I enjoyed reading this.

  1. April 28, 2009 at 12:53 pm

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