Home > Everything Else > Racism: The Silent Killer

Racism: The Silent Killer

Let me start off by reflecting back to my days as a young man.  Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but make sure to tell me if I’m right.  This came to me in the shower, mind you.  Actually, I don’t know if that gives you clarity or if it’s just plain creepy.  Here goes the big revelation:

All of the rock bands that were formed in your high school had a guy named Matt in it.

OK, pick your jaws up off the floor.  It doesn’t matter who I am talking to; you know this applies to you.  Yes, YOU.  It’s like I went to high school with you, saw you in braces, and was there the time you thought no one was looking when you were picking that really nasty zit in the middle of your back during Study Hall.  Of course, I know it wasn’t the same one Matt in all those bands.  For every band, there was a different Matt. 

By God, you’ll know I’m right, sometimes there were two or three Matts in the same band.  The funny thing is how they would list themselves on their MySpace page, or the real crap doodles on the covers of their binders.  The first Matt to join the band called himself Matt.  So, the second Matt got stuck with being called Matthew.  (I understand that to a lesser extent, the Matts might go by Matt+last initial; for instance, Matt J. and Matt W.  I’ve thought of this outcome, so let it be.  This may be your experience, but I am going with the crowds here.)  God help the third Matt to join.  He always ended up giving himself a nickname, like Mutt, M-Dog, Greg, Madman, Ttam, Birdman, or Psycho Tom.  Lord knows he dressed it up every way he could so he didn’t feel so humiliated at the end of the day.  For instance, the MySpace page would read:

Catheter Slaves is:



Drums/Van Owner–WyLedMaN


At least he tried.

You went to the concert (or “show”, as I’m sure the youngsters will correct me) in your friend’s backyard to see the Matts play a birthday party.  No doubt, the band was called something regrettable like “The Lip Winnies”, “Sgt. Hell and the Zombie Privates” (actually, that one’s not bad), “Asiago Temper”, or “Matt and the Other Two M’s”.

Anyways, any time the band had something (unimportant and utterly inane) to say between songs, it was always Matt who spoke first.  Then Matthew would pipe in and say something equally ignorant.  Finally, Birdman would try to yell something from the back of the stage (patio), because they never gave their drummer a microphone.  You know I’m right.  The third Matt always played drums.

It’s a far-reaching phenomenon.  In fact, we can assume Mitt Romney was just the third Matt to join his band, and his nickname stuck for life.  I know he would be President if he would’ve just picked a different nickname.  I’m sure people would’ve voted for Psycho Tom Romney.

One last thing: Shame on you for giggling when you saw the phrase “Zombie Privates” in this post.  I just didn’t have the heart to take it out when I caught my mistake.  I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

  1. October 30, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    I like the Catheter Slaves…that’s a good name.

  2. lennystrangelove
    November 3, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    Felonious Bstrds is a name I always liked.

    I’m glad you enjoyed my rant. It was very much influenced by bottled up hostility, so I apologize for that.

  3. lennystrangelove
    November 3, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    And totally agreed, it starts with the parents!

  4. November 7, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    There really was a band in my high school with 2 Matts in it.

  5. November 7, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    Hey… This is claire why am I showing up as Paul?!

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