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Life and Death in the Corn Shucking State

I got the wonderful opportunity yesterday to visit the great state of Iowa.  It was even for business purposes, and not to kidnap the governor.  Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you who the governor of Iowa is, much less the governor of Missouri.

That’s all beside the point.  The Des Moines area is like an oasis in the desert, very much like Las Vegas.  Only the “desert” is fields and fields of corn, and “Las Vegas” is a medium-sized metropolitan area without any casinos.  It was pretty much a wasted trip, save for the fact that I heard a man speak who had actually been to the top of Mount Everest.  THE Mount Everest.  It’s a very interesting story, except that this guy was telling it.  By the end of it, I felt like I had been to the top of Everest as well, by which I mean that I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my extremities were going to fall off out of boredom.  For an entire hour, I heard about all the places he had climbed BEFORE climbing Everest.  He didn’t even get to Everest until about the last 10 minutes.  The worst part by far is how he tried to relate climbing Everest to succeeding in business.  That might work if he’s talking to, I don’t know, Wall Street investors (talk about climbing a 3,000 foot sheer face of granite) or mountain climbers (enough said).  It did make me think, though.  “What is my Everest in a grocery store?”  After giving this much careful consideration, I realized my Everest is making a stack of Crock Pots that people will buy (so I don’t have to “accidentally” throw them into the dumpster after I fail to sell any), or selling cookbooks to people who obviously eat too much anyway.  It’s too easy and it’s irresponsible.  It’s like trying to sell cheap booze to people coming out of an AA meeting.  I just hope I can come down from my Everest in a couple of months with all my fingers and toes.

I really don’t mean to discourage you, my avid readers, from telling me stories.  For instance, if you ever climb Mount Everest, please tell me about it.  Just start the story at base camp, and keep it to 30 minutes.

Speaking of cookbooks, I think they are becoming way too in-depth for the average cook like me.  If they would only tell me how to dress up my ramen noodles a little bit, I would be happy.  But no!  Every cookbook I’ve had to force on the unsuspecting public has been over 100 pages long, and full of exotic ingredients no one owns!  Everyone would have to make hundreds of trips out to the store to find things like “cumin”, “rumpled flaxseeds”, “miso”, and “1 lb. of ground beef”!  They’ll never find it all in a single store!  As is my policy, if I’m going to complain about it, I will do something about it!  I will write a cookbook!  A dessert cookbook!  Only 20 pages long!  It will be broken up into the universally accepted two categories of desserts: “That which is custard” and “That which is not custard”.  It’ll be a smash hit.  In fact, it will be my next Everest.  “But there’s only one Everest,” you say?  Not in my head!

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  1. C
    November 27, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    How to dress up ramen noodles: add frozen vegetables to the boiling stage, drain water before adding spice packet, stir well, add 1 slice american cheese and tabasco sauce to taste! mmm-mmm good!

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