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Archive for October, 2008

Racism: The Silent Killer

October 30, 2008 5 comments

Let me start off by reflecting back to my days as a young man.  Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but make sure to tell me if I’m right.  This came to me in the shower, mind you.  Actually, I don’t know if that gives you clarity or if it’s just plain creepy.  Here goes the big revelation:

All of the rock bands that were formed in your high school had a guy named Matt in it.

OK, pick your jaws up off the floor.  It doesn’t matter who I am talking to; you know this applies to you.  Yes, YOU.  It’s like I went to high school with you, saw you in braces, and was there the time you thought no one was looking when you were picking that really nasty zit in the middle of your back during Study Hall.  Of course, I know it wasn’t the same one Matt in all those bands.  For every band, there was a different Matt. 

By God, you’ll know I’m right, sometimes there were two or three Matts in the same band.  The funny thing is how they would list themselves on their MySpace page, or the real crap doodles on the covers of their binders.  The first Matt to join the band called himself Matt.  So, the second Matt got stuck with being called Matthew.  (I understand that to a lesser extent, the Matts might go by Matt+last initial; for instance, Matt J. and Matt W.  I’ve thought of this outcome, so let it be.  This may be your experience, but I am going with the crowds here.)  God help the third Matt to join.  He always ended up giving himself a nickname, like Mutt, M-Dog, Greg, Madman, Ttam, Birdman, or Psycho Tom.  Lord knows he dressed it up every way he could so he didn’t feel so humiliated at the end of the day.  For instance, the MySpace page would read:

Catheter Slaves is:

Guitar/Vocals–Matt

Bass/Tambourine–Matthew

Drums/Van Owner–WyLedMaN

 

At least he tried.

You went to the concert (or “show”, as I’m sure the youngsters will correct me) in your friend’s backyard to see the Matts play a birthday party.  No doubt, the band was called something regrettable like “The Lip Winnies”, “Sgt. Hell and the Zombie Privates” (actually, that one’s not bad), “Asiago Temper”, or “Matt and the Other Two M’s”.

Anyways, any time the band had something (unimportant and utterly inane) to say between songs, it was always Matt who spoke first.  Then Matthew would pipe in and say something equally ignorant.  Finally, Birdman would try to yell something from the back of the stage (patio), because they never gave their drummer a microphone.  You know I’m right.  The third Matt always played drums.

It’s a far-reaching phenomenon.  In fact, we can assume Mitt Romney was just the third Matt to join his band, and his nickname stuck for life.  I know he would be President if he would’ve just picked a different nickname.  I’m sure people would’ve voted for Psycho Tom Romney.

One last thing: Shame on you for giggling when you saw the phrase “Zombie Privates” in this post.  I just didn’t have the heart to take it out when I caught my mistake.  I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

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Life and Death in the Corn Shucking State

October 29, 2008 1 comment

I got the wonderful opportunity yesterday to visit the great state of Iowa.  It was even for business purposes, and not to kidnap the governor.  Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you who the governor of Iowa is, much less the governor of Missouri.

That’s all beside the point.  The Des Moines area is like an oasis in the desert, very much like Las Vegas.  Only the “desert” is fields and fields of corn, and “Las Vegas” is a medium-sized metropolitan area without any casinos.  It was pretty much a wasted trip, save for the fact that I heard a man speak who had actually been to the top of Mount Everest.  THE Mount Everest.  It’s a very interesting story, except that this guy was telling it.  By the end of it, I felt like I had been to the top of Everest as well, by which I mean that I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my extremities were going to fall off out of boredom.  For an entire hour, I heard about all the places he had climbed BEFORE climbing Everest.  He didn’t even get to Everest until about the last 10 minutes.  The worst part by far is how he tried to relate climbing Everest to succeeding in business.  That might work if he’s talking to, I don’t know, Wall Street investors (talk about climbing a 3,000 foot sheer face of granite) or mountain climbers (enough said).  It did make me think, though.  “What is my Everest in a grocery store?”  After giving this much careful consideration, I realized my Everest is making a stack of Crock Pots that people will buy (so I don’t have to “accidentally” throw them into the dumpster after I fail to sell any), or selling cookbooks to people who obviously eat too much anyway.  It’s too easy and it’s irresponsible.  It’s like trying to sell cheap booze to people coming out of an AA meeting.  I just hope I can come down from my Everest in a couple of months with all my fingers and toes.

I really don’t mean to discourage you, my avid readers, from telling me stories.  For instance, if you ever climb Mount Everest, please tell me about it.  Just start the story at base camp, and keep it to 30 minutes.

Speaking of cookbooks, I think they are becoming way too in-depth for the average cook like me.  If they would only tell me how to dress up my ramen noodles a little bit, I would be happy.  But no!  Every cookbook I’ve had to force on the unsuspecting public has been over 100 pages long, and full of exotic ingredients no one owns!  Everyone would have to make hundreds of trips out to the store to find things like “cumin”, “rumpled flaxseeds”, “miso”, and “1 lb. of ground beef”!  They’ll never find it all in a single store!  As is my policy, if I’m going to complain about it, I will do something about it!  I will write a cookbook!  A dessert cookbook!  Only 20 pages long!  It will be broken up into the universally accepted two categories of desserts: “That which is custard” and “That which is not custard”.  It’ll be a smash hit.  In fact, it will be my next Everest.  “But there’s only one Everest,” you say?  Not in my head!

Political season closing soon.

October 28, 2008 1 comment
I can’t wait until political ads are over! Then I can get back to enjoying Valtrex commercials and Billy Mays’ (the OxiClean guy) beard. “I’M BILLY MAYS, AND I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO HARNESS THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF OXICLEAN!!! DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU SPILL COFFEE GROUNDS, RED WINE, AND OSTRICH FECES ALL OVER YOUR FAVORITE SMOCK??? WELL, DON’T SELL YOUR OSTRICH FARM JUST YET!!!” And so on. Has anyone else seen his commercials for insurance? I mean, I trust him with my smock, but my insurance? “I’M BILLY MAYS, AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW TO HARNESS THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF MEDICARE PART B!!! WITH THIS SUPPLEMENTAL INSURANCE, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MEDICAL BILLS COVERED BY THE POWER OF HUMANA GOLD PLUS!!! DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH COVERAGE YOU NEED??? THAT’S OK!!! JUST STUFF MONEY IN AN ENVELOPE AND SEND IT TO THE ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN!!!” What else is this guy going to get into? “I’M BILLY MAYS, AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW TO HARNESS THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF YOUR VERY OWN POWER CHAIR AT NO COST TO YOU!!!”  God help us if he wants to start selling climbing gear.  “I’M BILLY MAYS, AND I WANT TO TEACH YOU HOW TO HARNESS THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF HARNESSES!!!  IF YOU CAN HARNESS THE HARNESS, THEN HARNESSING WILL BE EASIER THAN EVER TO HARNESS!!!”  I think the universe might just collapse on itself.
Has anyone else heard of this brand new phenomenon called “Xanga”?  Believe it or not, the name is actually pronounced like “Zanga”, similar to “xylophone”.  Crazy, I know!  It is mind-blowing what the kids are catching in their Internets these days.  I checked one of these out, and they are quite impressive!  One young person (sk8r_dood182) had even posted some clipart and .gif files (moving pictures!) on his page.  One of these days, kids are going to be using the internet to send messages to one another, and not just for posting clipart and pathetic cries for attention.
Speaking of new advances in technology, I’ve been working on my GeoCities page for quite some time.  In fact, if you type in my “web address” (www.geocities.com/billymaysbeard_softasitisbeautiful), you will find a delightful clipart picture of a stick figure holding a shovel and appearing to dig a ditch.  And over that . . . get this . . . it says in bold letters: UNDER CONSTRUCTION!  I can’t wait until it’s complete!
Finally, I’ve heard of something coming down the pike called “MySpace”, but it’s several years away from completion.  Apparently, it will streamline the way creepy old men find children.  Also, instread of having to make pictures out of text, you will actually be able to “upload” (I think “upload” means the same thing as “download”, but backwards and topwise) pictures.
 
Example of text picture:
 
        HAIR HAIR HAIR
     HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR
HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR
 
   EYEBROW        EYEBROW
        EYE                 EYE
        EYE                 EYE
                  NOSE
                    NOSE
                  NOSE NOSE
                        NOSE
 
     SMILE                     SMILE
          SMILE SMILE SMILE
                SMILE SMILE
 
 
I just totally drew a self-portrait out of words!  This internet thing is really going to take off one of these days!
 
Now here’s an example of an actual picture that you might find on this “MySpace” in a couple of decades:
 
Well, I’m still working on it.